Back Among the Living

I can't believe its been since the end of September - and I haven't written a word. Well, I take that back, I've partially written some posts and haven't known how to finish them or fully and eloquently explain things the way that I've wanted to so I've abandoned them half written. I apologize to those who have shown me support in the past - its not very fair of me to not update with so much going on and changing in my world. Over the years I've become virtual friends with many of you- so I'm sure that's its disarming to hear so much and then suddenly silence.

Today I am breaking the silence.

So,So, Soooooooo much has taken place since last I've written. Some terrible things have happened and some wonderful things have happened. I've had to face some cold, hard, truths about myself and my marriage I've had to pack up my visions of doing things properly and by the book and not "stepping on any toes" and for once do things the way that I feel that they need to be done in my heart. Its been hard- continues to be hard in some ways but I can say only one thing that summarizes the way I feel right now - happy. I am happy.

I don't want to look back too much so in fast forward here's what I need to share:

1. Moved out of town house in mid October - without so much as a day's notice. Things had become so ugly between Ben and myself that it was damaging both of us (and our property) to stay in the house together. One Wed. morning things were particularly out of hand - so I packed an overnight bag and headed for the door. I never spent another night in that house again. My intentions were a hotel but another door opened and I walked through it. I am now renting a 3 bedroom house and am very happy there. Of course the few weeks that Ben was still in the house with the things of mine I needed to collect I suffered considerably ... clothes on the lawn, stuff just thrown in boxes and labeled with awful, horrible names he felt he should call me etc. He was kind enough to delete all my family from his facebook but every friend of mine saw all the terrible things he posted about me all over facebook too - it was very mature.

2. Ben and I are in the process of filing for a dissolution. We have no joint assets and really no joint debt. For those not familiar- this is a much quicker and cheaper process than a divorce. Barring any complications a dissolution takes just a couple of months from start to finish and the costs are minimal.

3. This is where I need the peanut gallery to not share their opinions - this is also where I need to preface by saying THIS topic is where I've had to not allow societal expectations and doing things "perfectly" to truck me down. I am seeing a someone else. Is he the reason for the end of my marriage? No. My marriage was already in shambles when we met and the separation already started. Ben however will tell you that its added fuel to the fire and he doesn't believe that the new guy isn't the reason we are no longer together. I know that everything you will ever read and any professional you ever consult will tell you not to jump into a new relationship during a divorce - but sometimes you have to follow your heart and that's what I have done.We met when we were supposed to meet and things have grown from there. I am not planning to divulge any more about him or our relationship in this post - I'll allow you all to digest this new information all on its own. But know how great I think he is, how fun, smart, sweet, and incredibly sexy I find him to be and be happy for me for I am truly very happy.

And I'm not perfect. And I don't do everything "right" but I'm OK with that since admitting to both of those things has led me to where I am today and that's exactly where I am supposed to be.

I think that's enough for now. I'm alive. I'm well. Things certainly are different for me but everything is as it should be.

Much Love Always!

Dear 16 year-old-self

Saw this post on Jax's blog and in light of everything I've been going through lately thought it would be interesting to let my stream of consciousness flow with advice to the 16 year-old Amber. The year was 2000 I was a junior in high school and went through 2 moves and 3 high schools in the course of one school year - it was a rough year.

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

* You are OK ... matter of fact you are better than OK - you are smart and talented and you really should stop comparing yourself to other people and thinking about all the things that you don't have that you think other people do - the grass is not always greener.

* Stay away from Adam - I know he makes you feel weak in the knees and the way he kisses you melts your insides but he's nothing but trouble, he's going to destroy your view of men and relationships and cause you much emotional and physical harm for the next 3 years. And trust me - he's not going to be the last person to make you weak in the knees and melt your insides.

* Eat right! Learn what foods are truthfully good for you and how they effect your body and go with them. Lay off the McDonalds and really get your butt moving- once high school is over and your built in physical fitness is gone - you're going to really pack it on - I'm just saying.... you aren't the kind of girl who can eat whatever you want without consequence.

* Don't let your ego be so fragile. You are worthy. Don't take everything to heart and so seriously. People can be mean just for the sake of being mean and snide just because they want to cut you down a peg.

* Cherish this time with your 5 year old nephew - you'll never be this close again - and he's going to grow up so fast - you will really, really miss his younger self when your 27 and he's 16 with a girlfriend in college,and a drivers license, and a rock band.

* Look past today and tomorrow and to the future - joy comes in the morning, troubles they don't last always

* Friendship is important but expect even the longest lasting friendships to evolve and change over the course of time and life's triumphs and tribulations

* Hug your grandpa everyday and be so appreciative for everything he's done for you in your life. You will miss him forever and to this day you will dream of your grandparents home - the most consistent family home you've ever known

* Love like you've never been hurt but pay attention to whose worthy of that love and whose not. Don't fall for wolves in sheep's clothing - there are so many of them out there

* Your priorities are going to change...and then they are going to change again....and then probably again...

* Some things just weren't meant to last. If you look in the mirror one day and don't like who you see and its influenced by a relationship that you are in ....its time to know when to cut your losses

* Bleaching your own hair is never a good idea - you will later be embarrassed when you look back at pictures of your wretched self coloring jobs

* Don't give up on your dreams. Don't give up, don't back down, don't take no for an answer .... do whatever it takes to get to where you want to be...just because things naturally come easy doesn't mean you can half ass it...that only makes you mediocre.

* Go away for college. You don't belong at Miami - once again its the easiest route and when you take it you will find that you don't fit and you will spend a few years trying to make a square peg fit in a round whole and then the remaining few resenting yourself and everyone there.

* Don't have roommates - if you can live alone - you should

* Beware of black ice - you aren't invincible

* The money thing ... it does get easier but its never easy - no matter how much you have or don't have

* Don't drink more than a glass of champagne ... and that night you find yourself downing several bottles...sleep in the bathroom

* Don't look back in anger. Everything happens for a reason. In the grand scheme of things - you were supposed to do what you just did...every strand in the rope makes it stronger ... don't look at yourself as a failure just because something failed.

* Hey, when your 20 ...don't open that high limit credit card and max it out....its going to take you 7 years to pay it off....oy. For that matter don't take out any loans other than federal school loans...your're going to regret that too.

* Pay attention to warning signs and red flags in relationships...don't look past them because you want something ...and don't try to make something or someone who they are not - that will only come back to kick you in the ass.

* In college...go to class....seriously...don't be so lazy

* Don't obsess over little things on yourself. I get it - your a perfectionist - but honey you aren't ever going to be perfect.

* Don't get distracted while driving and plow into the back of an army grade jeep....disaster

* Stop looking for what's next - live in the moment and enjoy life. Also stop expecting it to look a certain way...it never does and it never will

* Your only going to improve with age...

Sweet 16

Tumultuous(?) 27

Now I only wonder what my 38 year old self will tell my 27 year old self..... I'm sure a lot!

Now That The Band Aid is Off....

I felt it was only right to return fairly quickly and share a bit more - I'm thankful to those who commented on my last post - knowing that you are out there - thinking of me is so very helpful - I feel very supported through you, through my family and friends, even through my colleagues at work - that is making this much easier for me. Honestly I was expecting judgement, people to tell me I wasn't trying hard enough, that I hadn't given my marriage enough effort, love, attention - something...but that hasn't been the case.
Honestly, those closest to me have told me that they aren't entirely surprised - which kind of blows the lid off my whole world - ya think you could have  shared that with me?!!? I guess that's not really their place though - its just so interesting to me that people could see what we were blind to.

So how am I?

I'm good. I'm surprisingly good. I feel ... relieved. I felt like I was faking what should have been something I was elated over and now I don't have to anymore.

 I love Ben ... I do. I care greatly for him, and what happens to him - but things have changed between us- had changed maybe even before we got married - but one tends to become blinded by expectations, and wedding plans, and the dream of what your future together will be like. I never had a moment of cold feet before our wedding - but looking back I realize that I was all business.

I was planning and financing and DIY projecting - I was working out and working and busy ... it never even occurred to me to stop and think - and why would I have thought I "needed to". I had been with the man 5 years before we got engaged- of course we were supposed to get married - what was there to think about?

Sigh.

There were things to think about.

Perhaps the fact that I had told him just months before we got engaged that if he didn't commit to me soon - I was leaving -I don't consider it a true ultimatum - it was just a fact - if he never saw marriage to me- eventually we would have to end. So I've always considered my proposal more of a business deal - which sucks the fun right out of it.

Perhaps that when we moved in together years before - I basically moved my stuff in on him and he pointed that out time and time again - as well as the fact that he wanted me there to help pay for things - not because he wanted me around all the time - which of course he never ACTUALLY said - but I'm sharp - I understand sub-text.

And there are other things...but I'm not going to be specific about those - if it were solely my dirty laundry - I would air it ... but its not and I'm not going to smear him.

The truth is .. I'm not perfect either. I have flaws and faults and I've not been the best person to him at all times - especially in the last 6 months. Just another sign that what is happening right now - this separation - needs to happen.

So now what?

I am looking at an apartment on Saturday - if it shows well ...I am planning to make it my home early in November. The location and price are right - its going to be much smaller than I am used to (and the worst part is no laundry on site at all...) but how much space do I really need at this juncture...the space I need is figurative - not literal - I need space to breathe and think and determine what it is that I want from my future and I want Ben to have the same thing - because whether he realizes it yet or not - he needs this too.

I know that I am doing the right thing because I feel free. Not that I was a prisoner or miserable the entire time but I feel like myself again...I can write here because I'm not trying to fake a happy marriage through pictures and sweet words, I can be honest about how I'm feeling here and in real life, I can stop pretending. There is so much relief in that for me - you have no idea.

Is this absolutely the end of my marriage?

I can't answer that right now. Who knows what the future holds for us ... but for the first time in a long time - I actually am ready to find out.

It won't be long before you hear from me again.

I've reclaimed my voice.

Amber

Oh Honey, Just Let Your Heart Ache

It is no mystery to blogger that my last several posts have been filled with uncertainty and heartache - even if they have been quite vague. I've clued my readers (those of you who are left) into the fact that some things are just going on in my life - and while I still won't divulge all the intimate details of my "unsteady" life - I am now to a point where I can share a bit more.

Things with Ben and I are not good. So not good that we are not going to be living in the same house for awhile -or maybe ever.

I never thought 1.3 months into my marriage to a man that I've known for 16 years - I would be saying those words but here I am .

 There are so many facets to this story- I wish I could tell you - this is the reason *** tada! But I can't.

There are major trust issues, respect issues, financial responsibility issues, compatibility issues -issues abound.

Plus I can't get past the feeling that we got married because that was what was "next" for us.We had been together so long, we didn't want to not be together, we didn't know what else to do so we got married....maybe I'm blinded by all that is going on right now but I just can't shake that feeling.

I am sad. I am troubled. Yet at the same time...I'm relieved that all the issues are out on the table and that perhaps we are coming to a turning point in it all.

I know this is still not much information - but perhaps now you can see why I've been AWOL - a lot going on in my mind and in my life. I never disappear for too long - know that I'm still here - its just when I can't scream from the rooftops everything I want to say - I tend to go silent.

Say a prayer, send a wish, think of me. I think I'm in for a bumpy ride.

Wherever You Go, Go With All Your Heart and Weekend Update

I can't believe how infrequently I've posted in the past 6 months. Today, I decided that I would re-read some of my more recent blog posts and realized - there really aren't any! 

I've always been a blogger - I love to do it - but somewhere along the line my heart fell out of it. Not because I don't enjoy it anymore - mostly, I think because I don't feel like I have a story to tell anymore. 

Now that I'm married, and we're not planning for a baby, and we don't have a new house - it seems like nothing terribly exciting is going on for us anymore. Nothing "blog-worthy" anyhow.

 And sadly, part of the "sadness" that I was experiencing over the past month is related to that same idea.

Oh Shit. Now what?

I never got cold feet or had any doubts while Ben and I were engaged. Without a doubt I knew this was the man I was to marry. But now that we are married and more specifically just celebrated our 1 year anniversary in June - I've had those deer in the headlights moment where I ask myself,

 "Just how long is til' death do us part?" 

I know how this makes me sound but I'm willing to bet most women have found themselves in this moment at some point in their marriages. Especially women who dated a long time before engagement and then had a lengthier engagement as well. Ben and I had been together 6.5 years already when we got married. We have a strong, solid friendship and a deep love and respect for one another - but I'm not going to wax poetic and pretend that we are today, as hot and heavy as we once were. Ours is a marriage based on friendship - not passion - and I know that this type can be the strongest of them all but my heart is fearful of what its going to be like to never "fall in love again" and its made me feel very lonely. 

Maybe that's why I got a puppy...

Gratuitous Puppy Pic  

I love my husband though- don't get me wrong- he is my very best friend and I couldn't imagine life without him - 

So again I ask....now what? 

Now that we're married, and have good jobs, and aren't planning any major life changes (with the exception of a new place perhaps) what in the hell do we do to keep life interesting now?

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching on that one. So far I've come up with travel, fun-filled nights out with our other child-less friends (and friends who still go out even though they have children) Furthering education - did I tell you I've been accepted to a Group Fitness Certification program -yep I'm going to teach classes eventually - two years ago would you have thought I would be doing that?!?! Nope. Me neither! Auditioning for plays and musicals again, sleeping in, walking around naked on a whim, training a puppy, really...the sky is still the limit.

And It doesn't matter if I'm having "major life change moments" what ever it is that I choose to do - I've learned - that I will do it with all my heart and soul.       

I don't know how to do it - I learn to do it. I enjoy something -I make it a lifestyle - Zumba for example on that one. 

I approach my friendships this way, my job, being a new puppy mommy - whatever I do - I want to be the best I can be at it and I usually get pretty damn good. 

There is no going small in my world.

Go big or go home.  

BUT!!!!

 I'm getting to another point here, and it is:

My can-do, will-do attitude also gets in my way. It makes me overly critical of myself and highly sensitive to insults and doubts from other people.

 My short-comings haunt me.   

When I can't master something, when someone sees my house when its not at its best, when my hair falls flat and my mascara runs....when I don't get enough attention from my husband - that little nagging voice inside me tells me these things happen because I'M not good enough.

I am my own worst critic. B/C I've pumped my heart into it all.

The trick I believe is going to be to find a balance between the positive and negative aspects of this trait and learn how to work the entire thing to my advantage. 

Growing up is hard to do. 

On that note (a much lighter one) this weekend was all about growing up - or celebrating a dear friend as he grows up - our friend Will celebrated number 28 this past weekend.

A casino close to our area has a 70s, 80s, 90s themed dance club called Boogie Nights so we headed there for an evening of drinks and dancing!

Rocking the sparkly,blue , disco shadow and leopard print

Sam and I with the Birthday Boy on the dance floor

Me and Sam taking a dance break - don't know why I look like I have an attitude problem ) : 

Will and I dancing - this man can DANCE and he does- hence the visible sweat 

The night before Will's celebration Sam and I headed up north to visit my cousin at the bars he likes to go to... I only took a couple shots of the night..

Ready to go pick up Sam 

Me and my cousin Danny

Sunday was spent quietly. A nice breakfast out, grocery shopping and spending time close to home .

In all it was a good weekend.
Hope the rest of your were too.

Picture Pages

It really has been the oddest couple of weeks of my life..... as you can probably tell from my last, vague post I have been far from being myself.

BUT... before I go any further let me tell you all that while I would love to share my ENTIRE story with you - my bloggy friends and to seek your advice- I simply can not. Real life gets in the way of that- you just never know who may be reading your blog, who may be out there to judge you and what the consequences of their judgement may be. I know that this is very vague as well - but don't worry - I am OK. I am doing a lot of soul searching right now- seeking advice from those closest to me - and praying that I am led in the right direction. Sometimes we are faced with things that we never expected or asked for and its up to us to move forward and to take on the experiences. 

OH and before the real worrying sets in....

Yes. We are still together.
(Picture From A Night Out With Friends)

Ok. All that aside..during my weeks of ...whatever you want to call it.... I also celebrated a birthday.
Birthday #27 and while it may always be synonymous with some troublesome weeks in my heart - it was also a time in which I felt loved and celebrated by my friends and family.

My camera met its true death while kayaking a few weeks ago so please bare with the cell phone snap shots!

My birthday is August 8th so a week ago Friday (the 6th) my mom and sisters took me to dinner at Bonefish Grill after work.

Mom and I getting ready in her bathroom
(yes she's putting on makeup and I'm having a cocktail ... did I mention I may also have been drinking too much these past few weeks? When in Rome I say)

Emotionally, I was in an odd place that night but they did the very best they could to cheer me up.

Pink Gerber Daisies and a Brownie Sundae 

Posing with my flowers



I got my first two pieces in my new "Vera" pattern- the agenda and the lunch date (not pictured)
Ben also added the bowler (also not pictured).

I ended the night by going to the bar where my friend Sam djs and spending my time talking to locals and drinking chardonnay.

The next day was just what the Dr. ordered. I had a massage at 10:00 and a hair appt. at noon, then I shopped with my mom before coming home to get ready for my birthday dinner with friends.

Ignore the smug, mentally challenged face I am making in this picture ( not to mention my un-made bed)



I'm pretty happy to report that on that Friday I came in at my lowest weight ever- having lost almost 4 lbs in one week - mostly becuase I had no appetite but if you're going to be sad- you might as well reap some rewards amirite?

Ben and my friend Sam- who I mentioned briefly above took me to a mexican restaurant for dinner where I was humiliated with whipped cream by the wait staff- but it was all in good fun so I didn't really mind.

This is a pic of Sam and I from back in July

She's a girl I've known since high school but never really got to "know" we've gotten pretty close in the past couple of months and I'm really enjoying having her around.

She actually made me a birthday cake and brought it to dinner....

I thought it was pretty awesome of her and the cake was delicious! She also took me to breakfast ON my birthday and brought me balloons - for a new friend she really took a lot of effort to make me feel special and I really needed it so it was much appreciated!

Will, Emily, and her boyfriend Stephen met us and then we went to a bar that we frequent where we were met with a couple more friends and Sam's husband Mike.



 I sported the birthday bitch ribbon proudly



 Ben and I at the bar

 It was a fun night followed by a good next couple of days off

My mother in law bought me a cute apron - among other things...

And then Monday on my ACTUAL birthday I gifted myself the best thing ever......

Meet Olive.

 And please ignore the way I look at 11 PM in this picture.

Olive is a baby pug who is so sweet and smart and loving - just what the Dr. ordered for me right now

 I am in love. Adjusting to life with puppy has been a challenge but I'm loving it!

Life is just a challenge in general right now - but maybe eventually I'll look back and say I loved it all too...

I really am fine friends -

but some times I'm more fine than others.

If I can ever share more- I swear I will - but for now I'm eager to read your latest posts and see what's happening in your worlds!

Much Love Always!



Confessions of a Former Fat Girl

I didn't know I was starting a journey.

One day I was stepping on the scale at my Dr's office, trying to avoid the number - asking the nurse not to tell me - but still peeking over her shoulder to see the number on my chart. The next I was buying a hot pink sports bra and a copy of The 30 Day Shred. A couple months later - "without really trying" I was on the scale again - down 17 lbs from my Dr. appointment. Something  sparked in me and ignited. This feeling of success was addictive and I wanted more- it was like they say, "nothing tastes as good as thin feels" and they were right.

Although too much food has never really been my problem. The lust for decadence has. I never felt there was any reason to limit myself - you do only get one life after all - mine should be filled with rich delicious foods, chocolate, wine - so yes, while that is an overindulgence of sorts, I was never the type of girl who ate and ate and ate - I just wanted what I wanted when I wanted it - so I had it - If I had pizza one night I didn't look at that as an indulgent treat for the week and modify elsewhere - I went ahead and had Red Lobster the next night and McDonald's for breakfast the following morning. I had/have a taste for the good life.Today after my weight loss  success that appetite manifests its self in other areas of my life - it has to - otherwise I feel that I might just explode and fizzle into Amber confetti all over the carpet-. but there's more to that story to come.

So there I was 17 lbs lighter and all fired up to keep right on trucking. 6 months later I was 50 lbs lighter and still losing. I was wearing a size 8 pants - down from a 14 - It was a proud moment as I dropped out of double digits and I can not lie its thrilling even today when I comfortably button and zip into my newest pair of Capri pants that proudly boast the smallest size I've ever worn in my ENTIRE life; a size 4.

What I didn't realize though was that with the weight loss would come a totally different set of challenges.

I'm never, never, satisfied. Losing the weight has allowed me to be seen the way I always saw myself - but what it didn't do was teach me how to handle what comes with that. The desire for attention, the desire to be viewed as beautiful and perfect - even worse -the desire to be desired - and I have not been at a loss for that - a challenge, no a demon that I struggle with on a regular basis.
The former fat girl in me - loves the attention. The former fat girl is no longer happy with being slimmer - the former fat girl wants perfection, the former fat girl wants EVERYTHING.

But Amber Lane wants to find peace and balance.

Amber Lane wants to snuggle in bed at night with her husband and know that no one else's opinions of her matter besides his and hers. Amber Lane wants to be healthy and fit and completely happy with who she is -even if that means her stomach isn't flat, she drank too many diet cokes today, and she's up a lb tonight from this morning. Amber Lane doesn't want to be obsessive.

 What I'm about to find out it seems is what happens when The Former Fat Girl and Amber Lane collide.

Heavy post coming out of what "appears" to be nowhere - this is what my life is right now.

Stay tuned.

The Start of Something Good

Well after I went on and on about the gorgeous, sunny weather on my last post, mother nature has decided to rub my nose in it and the sky is gray and murky - splashing rain drops down from time to time - thus ruining a perfectly free Saturday that I had set aside for pool lounging. Sigh.

Guess the dreary weather will act as the motivator I need to organize this house and US for our trip to Virginia Beach - we leave 1 week from tomorrow!

We are looooong over due for a trip alone together. We have NEVER been on one in the entire 7.4 years we've been together!  We've had a weekend trip here or there with friends but that's it - we never even had a honeymoon thanks to Ben's new job (I'm not complaining believe me!) so we are really looking forward to getting away together to celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary- which is 1 week from today!

In honor of our anniversary week I thought I would share some of our story through photos with you this week.

Friendship: 1997 - Well...for always

Really hard to see I know: Ben is on the far right in the 2nd row..I'm the head to the left of him with the bangs- this was at a party our freshman year in high school 

Sophomore year homecoming - Ben in the couple on the left and me with my then boyfriend in the middle

Band camp our junior year in highschool - Megan, Ben, and Me 

Another tricky one to see - Junior Year Homecoming I'm on the left in the front- Ben is the second on the left - both there with different dates than the year before ( : 

Dating: Feb 2004 -Feb 2009
(AKA Look How Chunky I Was...j/k...still good memories)

The first month or so of us officially dating

New Years Eve Ringing in 2004

Ren. Fest

Our 4 year dating anniversary 

Ringing in 2009 

Out and about with friends

My college graduation party 2007

One of our many Halloween get-ups 

We're on a Boat!

Waking Up to a scruffy face! 

The picture that inspired our engagement pictures

And there are so many more  that I could show you but there's only so much time in the day!

We dated for 5 years before getting engaged - something I was convinced would NEVER happen but it finally did....

And I w as going to post those pictures today too but blogger is not cooperating so I'll have to save them for another day!

Stay tuned! For now I'm off to attempt productivity - happy weekend!

Much Love Always,

Mrs. Amber Lane 

Hiya!

Its amazing how quickly time flies when you are not blogging. We're closing in on 2 months of me not posting- but it sure doesn't feel like it! Time flies! Especially now that the weather is toasty and perfect and I literally itch to be outside! 

It wasn't like that the first month of my non-blogging - it was a weather nightmare - rain and tornado warnings almost every night! We are so very lucky to have not been touched by a tornado but May was a very volatile weather month here in southern Ohio! Then it got very hot for awhile - almost with no warning the temperature sky-rocketed into the 90s ! I love the heat but even I was unprepared for the quickness that it sprang up. 

Now as I mentioned - its perfect. I <3 summer so much. I love the pool, I love the beach, tan skin, bare legs, the smell of Hawaiian Tropic , iced tea - summertime is really my season. 

So what have I been up to as we jump into summer?

Glad you asked!

For starters....
I got bangs..... 

I think its a fun look for summer - don't know how long I'll keep it but for now I'm enjoying. 

We said goodbye to our sweet,fluffy,kitty BG who went missing for a week before our neighbors found that he had perished beneath their back porch....

That was most definitely not a good day in the Smith household. Ben is the one who had to retrieve him. Although we more than likely will never know what happened to him- Ben said it looked like he had gotten into a bad fight - maybe with a raccoon or something. I wish he had come home instead of crawling under a porch- but what is done is done. We buried him in Ben's parent's back yard so that we won't have to leave him behind when we finally buy a house. 

I went camping over memorial day weekend
(No pics of that- trust me you don't want to see them)

Celebrated my Mom on Mother's Day....

(I stole her face huh?) 

Ben and I went to a wedding....

I worked between weekends off ( lol that's seriously how I feel right now- work is just something I do between pool lounging sessions and nights out... is that sad? Sorry its my summer brain talking)

I read a couple books...

actually really like the Carrie Diary novels even though I've otherwise HATED Candace Bushnell's writing 

still reading this- a friend left this behind for me - I've never read Jackie Collins - its entertaining - a great pool read.

Spent some time with this doll baby....

hard to believe baby Shelby is already almost 3 months old!

Continued to work on getting to goal..

This is @ my mom's before a Zumba for the cure event. I have not taken off anymore weight but I notice that my body is continuing to change. I'm still in the 140-143 range and still trying to get to 135 but I'm pretty happy with myself. I Zumba twice a week and try to mix in some miles at the park a few times a week too.

I continue to be crazy amazed with the way my upper chest, shoulders, and neck have changed just in the past month or so - even with no additional lbs. lost...

Don't mind my crazy hair or odd expression this pic was literally 30 seconds ago - I slipped off my cardigan to snap a photo in my office.

Other than those things, I haven't been up to a whole lot that's terribly exciting. I think that's why I put writing off for so long. I wanted the perfect topic to come along, the perfect event to re-emerge to. That hasn't happened but here I am none-the-less. Writing is a part of who I am - it always has been whether its in a tiny pink diary with ballet slippers on the front (what my first diary ever looked like when I was 9) or sitting at my computer at work during my lunch break (guilty). So I guess you could say I'm back. I don't promise to be here everyday but I do vow to continue telling my story in the imperfect way that I do. 

So going forward what are the plans for me?

Celebrate a year of this...

With 10 days off and...

5 days here...

June 25th is our 1 year anniversary- hard to believe! This year flew! 

Lol. Well lunch is over by now. Have to run! Hope the start of your summers have been lovely. Looking forward to "catching up" with all of you soon!

Much Love Always!

Mrs. Amber Lane

Dear Blogger

Maybe we should break up.

I lost a follower today - or sometime recently - I don't log- on everyday anymore. It seems I used to have lots to write about- but anymore it seems life is life- I'm living it- its good mostly - and nothing is THAT exciting. Not only that but I used to LOVE to log on and see everyone's wedding.baby, home decor posts and anymore its getting exhausting trying to keep up. But its not you...its me..

On top of all that- I get a little irritated that I can write about frivolous BS and everyone wants to comment on it but when I write serious posts- there are literally crickets and cob webs.

Maybe we aren't breaking up but lets at least call it like it is....

We're on a break blogger - its best for both of us.

So for now....

The Friendship/ Marriage Conundrum

This post has the potential to be really profound - or to be a random spewing of all my recent frustrations.

What my best hope is that it will at the very least fall somewhere in the middle and allow me to make a point while still getting my thoughts out and venting some frustration.

Here goes nothing.

I am the type of girl who prefers a small group of close friends to a large group of mediocre friends. I didn't think that I was that way until recently- probably around the time of my bridal showers. When I looked around and realized- the crowd wasn't huge but the people who were there were people who all had profound meaning in my life.
Around that time I also realized that I wanted to "let go" of the other friends.
You know the ones; the ones that text you last minute as an after thought to join this or that. The ones who may or may not show up for your birthday party. The ones that you enjoy when your around but realize you have nothing to talk about one-on-one.
I'm not saying I de-friended those people on Facebook or took their numbers out of my phone- I just decided it was more effort to try to keep them around on a regular basis than to just let them fall away- and apparently that was mutual b/c they haven't been blowing my phone up either. I decided it was better this way - to focus on my close friends.

I realized this past weekend that I am also the type of person that gets REALLY close to one person for a span of time over all the others. More often than not- this person is experiencing the same life things that I am.

-Early in college it was Julie. Newly single (as was I) ready to party. That lasted about 6 months before she started seriously dating someone and gradually put me on the back burner rarely to text, call, or anything. Then she got pregnant and has only recently attempted to reconnect somewhat (the baby is on her way to 3 years old)
-Then it was Rachel we were together non stop for one summer then she went back to Columbus to school and she never really came back home to stay.Now she's in Louisiana.
-Mid way through college it was Jessica. Also a theater major, in some of the same classes, liked to drink and was always up for an adventure. Then we graduated and Jessica moved away to Arizona for grad school. Then California.
-Megan has always been a constant we were most recently the closest during her wedding planning days- but after the big day she became a home body, got pregnant relatively quickly, is now basking in the joys of new motherhood.
- Most recently its been Emily. Both love to travel, interested in fashion and fitness/healthy lifestyles but like the other stories...you can guess how this turns out- she experiences some major life change and suddenly I hit back burner or fall off the face of the planet in her world period.

We had a huge fight this weekend about why dating someone new means never contacting your best friend at all - anymore - ever. Wine was involved so its sort of blurry. But my interpretation of her response was; "You're married you have a life, I need to create a life for myself / life isn't like Sex & The City Amber - some friends only see each other once a year."

I have a lot of snarky comments to those things but I'm not going to get into that now.

Upon reflection my thoughts at first were this: why is it that my life has progressed- I graduated college, got a great job, got married -but still have not ever found a reason or WANT to leave my friends behind- not in the physical sense but in the emotional sense. Why is it that my friendship is so unimportant to these people that I am so easy to "forget" about?

After some further reflections though my thoughts became a bit darker: why is it exactly that my focus HASN'T changed? As a new(ish) married woman why DON'T I want to spend every free moment with my husband? Why would I rather plan trips with my girlfriends than my husband? Why am I NOT thinking of a baby? Why am I NOT planning date nights with Ben instead of wine nights with friends?

Am I REALLY good at friendship and REALLY bad at marriage?

I consider Ben to be my best friend yet find that we have very little in common when it comes to activities. I like to be outside and active. He likes computers. I like to shop. He hates it. I love the beach. He hates the sand and the smell (what smell?!?!). I do consider us to be compatible we have similar values and views of the world but when it comes to spending time together we prefer to do different things.

Is that bad?

I feel confident enough in my marriage to leave it for a night with friends or a trip to Miami with the girls. I think that's healthy. What I'm concerned about now though is what do I do now that all my friends are involved in their life changes and I'm still here wanting to have with them what we've always had?

If you don't enjoy the same activities as your spouse and aren't ready for a baby and aren't planning to move or change careers anytime soon- what do you do next?

Mrs. Amber Lane

NSV

I know I don't update my weight loss goals on this blog with much regularity but if I did you would know that I've essentially been at a plateau since November. I maintained through the holidays which is FANTASTIC but now that we are well out of the holidays and moving towards summer I am really looking to blast through the last 10lbs - which seem to be the absolute hardest.

Today was my second weigh in since officially joining weight watchers. 

At the start I weighed 142.8

Week 2 I weighed 145.8

Week 3 (Today) I weighed 143.4

You can see why I am frustrated. These numbers are so close together that any number of factors can be swaying the weigh in- too much salt, didn't go #2, PMSing (Last week) Starting (Yesterday) (Sorry for the TMI P.S.) 

I won't be happy with my "number" until I weigh in less than my starting weight (duh) but today while out and about grocery shopping and looking for a dress for a friend's up-coming wedding I realized that I have a number of Non-Scale Victories that I can be proud of.

First of all - shopping is so much more fun! 

When I started my weight loss journey back in February of 2010 I was in a size 14 dress, 12-14 pant, 16/ XL blouse. Today I was in a size 6 dress, 4-6 pant, 10/M blouse. 

I was really into the dresses today b/c there are some darn cute ones out there right now!

Don't mind the goofy faces I was making in these pictures.

Front runner for the wedding (Ny&Co)

Work Dress (Target)

Just running around on a warm spring day dress- needs a belt imo (target)

Another Warm Spring Day Dress (target)

Very Cute dress from NY&Co Maybe work?

Second: Trips to the grocery store have become mini adventures!

I love planning to grocery shop now. Looking up recipes and using Recipe Builder to make them even healthier. One thing I've loved since I officially joined is plugging in recipes I was previously using and really seeing how healthy (or sometimes not healthy) they really are. One thing I've discovered is that I'm already using power foods that are naturally good for you in abundance so that's great!

Some of the staples: Apples,salad mix, strawberries, bananas, Greek yogurt, eggs

Tuna in water, pineapple, beans, ffree soups, ffree chicken broth

Along those same lines recently at work in the lunch room co-workers have said that they've never seen anyone eat as healthy as I do- who would have thought? Me? Eat healthy?!?! I used to be the drive-thru queen!

Third: I'm in so much better shape than I was. I never 'thought' that I was out of shape. I knew I was heavier than I should be but I was seriously one who never really saw it or thought that my extra lbs hindered me. When I was leaving the grocery store today the skies had opened up and the rain was pouring down. I surveyed the scene, decided it was warm enough, slipped off my shoes and sprinted to my car in the back of the lot. When I got there I wasn't winded, didn't feel my legs burn at all - didn't feel any different than I would have had I just walked- matter of fact I felt invigorated and ready to keep moving! So different than the old me!

Fourth: My journey has made me a planner and organizer on an entirely different level. In my fridge right now are containers of pre-chopped fruits and vegetables, pre-made tuna salad, black beans and rice, and super salads. I can tell you what I'm going to eat for each meal, each day thru Friday and there's a certain amount of power and control in that and I love it. I love it for me and I love it for Ben because its helping him get healthier too! 

So though the numbers on the scale are basically at a stand-still life is still good- I am still successful and that's a damn good feeling!

Not to brag or anything (; 

Hope everyone had a great weekend and a happy Monday! I worked all weekend and was off today - it was a good day! 

Much Love Always!
Mrs. Amber Lane