I felt it was only right to return fairly quickly and share a bit more - I'm thankful to those who commented on my last post - knowing that you are out there - thinking of me is so very helpful - I feel very supported through you, through my family and friends, even through my colleagues at work - that is making this much easier for me. Honestly I was expecting judgement, people to tell me I wasn't trying hard enough, that I hadn't given my marriage enough effort, love, attention - something...but that hasn't been the case.
Honestly, those closest to me have told me that they aren't entirely surprised - which kind of blows the lid off my whole world - ya think you could have shared that with me?!!? I guess that's not really their place though - its just so interesting to me that people could see what we were blind to.
So how am I?
I'm good. I'm surprisingly good. I feel ... relieved. I felt like I was faking what should have been something I was elated over and now I don't have to anymore.
I love Ben ... I do. I care greatly for him, and what happens to him - but things have changed between us- had changed maybe even before we got married - but one tends to become blinded by expectations, and wedding plans, and the dream of what your future together will be like. I never had a moment of cold feet before our wedding - but looking back I realize that I was all business.
I was planning and financing and DIY projecting - I was working out and working and busy ... it never even occurred to me to stop and think - and why would I have thought I "needed to". I had been with the man 5 years before we got engaged- of course we were supposed to get married - what was there to think about?
There were things to think about.
Perhaps the fact that I had told him just months before we got engaged that if he didn't commit to me soon - I was leaving -I don't consider it a true ultimatum - it was just a fact - if he never saw marriage to me- eventually we would have to end. So I've always considered my proposal more of a business deal - which sucks the fun right out of it.
Perhaps that when we moved in together years before - I basically moved my stuff in on him and he pointed that out time and time again - as well as the fact that he wanted me there to help pay for things - not because he wanted me around all the time - which of course he never ACTUALLY said - but I'm sharp - I understand sub-text.
And there are other things...but I'm not going to be specific about those - if it were solely my dirty laundry - I would air it ... but its not and I'm not going to smear him.
The truth is .. I'm not perfect either. I have flaws and faults and I've not been the best person to him at all times - especially in the last 6 months. Just another sign that what is happening right now - this separation - needs to happen.
So now what?
I am looking at an apartment on Saturday - if it shows well ...I am planning to make it my home early in November. The location and price are right - its going to be much smaller than I am used to (and the worst part is no laundry on site at all...) but how much space do I really need at this juncture...the space I need is figurative - not literal - I need space to breathe and think and determine what it is that I want from my future and I want Ben to have the same thing - because whether he realizes it yet or not - he needs this too.
I know that I am doing the right thing because I feel free. Not that I was a prisoner or miserable the entire time but I feel like myself again...I can write here because I'm not trying to fake a happy marriage through pictures and sweet words, I can be honest about how I'm feeling here and in real life, I can stop pretending. There is so much relief in that for me - you have no idea.
Is this absolutely the end of my marriage?
I can't answer that right now. Who knows what the future holds for us ... but for the first time in a long time - I actually am ready to find out.
It won't be long before you hear from me again.
I've reclaimed my voice.