Thursday, September 29, 2011

Now That The Band Aid is Off....

I felt it was only right to return fairly quickly and share a bit more - I'm thankful to those who commented on my last post - knowing that you are out there - thinking of me is so very helpful - I feel very supported through you, through my family and friends, even through my colleagues at work - that is making this much easier for me. Honestly I was expecting judgement, people to tell me I wasn't trying hard enough, that I hadn't given my marriage enough effort, love, attention - something...but that hasn't been the case.
Honestly, those closest to me have told me that they aren't entirely surprised - which kind of blows the lid off my whole world - ya think you could have  shared that with me?!!? I guess that's not really their place though - its just so interesting to me that people could see what we were blind to.

So how am I?

I'm good. I'm surprisingly good. I feel ... relieved. I felt like I was faking what should have been something I was elated over and now I don't have to anymore.

 I love Ben ... I do. I care greatly for him, and what happens to him - but things have changed between us- had changed maybe even before we got married - but one tends to become blinded by expectations, and wedding plans, and the dream of what your future together will be like. I never had a moment of cold feet before our wedding - but looking back I realize that I was all business.

I was planning and financing and DIY projecting - I was working out and working and busy ... it never even occurred to me to stop and think - and why would I have thought I "needed to". I had been with the man 5 years before we got engaged- of course we were supposed to get married - what was there to think about?


There were things to think about.

Perhaps the fact that I had told him just months before we got engaged that if he didn't commit to me soon - I was leaving -I don't consider it a true ultimatum - it was just a fact - if he never saw marriage to me- eventually we would have to end. So I've always considered my proposal more of a business deal - which sucks the fun right out of it.

Perhaps that when we moved in together years before - I basically moved my stuff in on him and he pointed that out time and time again - as well as the fact that he wanted me there to help pay for things - not because he wanted me around all the time - which of course he never ACTUALLY said - but I'm sharp - I understand sub-text.

And there are other things...but I'm not going to be specific about those - if it were solely my dirty laundry - I would air it ... but its not and I'm not going to smear him.

The truth is .. I'm not perfect either. I have flaws and faults and I've not been the best person to him at all times - especially in the last 6 months. Just another sign that what is happening right now - this separation - needs to happen.

So now what?

I am looking at an apartment on Saturday - if it shows well ...I am planning to make it my home early in November. The location and price are right - its going to be much smaller than I am used to (and the worst part is no laundry on site at all...) but how much space do I really need at this juncture...the space I need is figurative - not literal - I need space to breathe and think and determine what it is that I want from my future and I want Ben to have the same thing - because whether he realizes it yet or not - he needs this too.

I know that I am doing the right thing because I feel free. Not that I was a prisoner or miserable the entire time but I feel like myself again...I can write here because I'm not trying to fake a happy marriage through pictures and sweet words, I can be honest about how I'm feeling here and in real life, I can stop pretending. There is so much relief in that for me - you have no idea.

Is this absolutely the end of my marriage?

I can't answer that right now. Who knows what the future holds for us ... but for the first time in a long time - I actually am ready to find out.

It won't be long before you hear from me again.

I've reclaimed my voice.


Monday, September 26, 2011

Oh Honey, Just Let Your Heart Ache

It is no mystery to blogger that my last several posts have been filled with uncertainty and heartache - even if they have been quite vague. I've clued my readers (those of you who are left) into the fact that some things are just going on in my life - and while I still won't divulge all the intimate details of my "unsteady" life - I am now to a point where I can share a bit more.

Things with Ben and I are not good. So not good that we are not going to be living in the same house for awhile -or maybe ever.

I never thought 1.3 months into my marriage to a man that I've known for 16 years - I would be saying those words but here I am .

 There are so many facets to this story- I wish I could tell you - this is the reason *** tada! But I can't.

There are major trust issues, respect issues, financial responsibility issues, compatibility issues -issues abound.

Plus I can't get past the feeling that we got married because that was what was "next" for us.We had been together so long, we didn't want to not be together, we didn't know what else to do so we got married....maybe I'm blinded by all that is going on right now but I just can't shake that feeling.

I am sad. I am troubled. Yet at the same time...I'm relieved that all the issues are out on the table and that perhaps we are coming to a turning point in it all.

I know this is still not much information - but perhaps now you can see why I've been AWOL - a lot going on in my mind and in my life. I never disappear for too long - know that I'm still here - its just when I can't scream from the rooftops everything I want to say - I tend to go silent.

Say a prayer, send a wish, think of me. I think I'm in for a bumpy ride.