I didn't know I was starting a journey.
One day I was stepping on the scale at my Dr's office, trying to avoid the number - asking the nurse not to tell me - but still peeking over her shoulder to see the number on my chart. The next I was buying a hot pink sports bra and a copy of The 30 Day Shred. A couple months later - "without really trying" I was on the scale again - down 17 lbs from my Dr. appointment. Something sparked in me and ignited. This feeling of success was addictive and I wanted more- it was like they say, "nothing tastes as good as thin feels" and they were right.
Although too much food has never really been my problem. The lust for decadence has. I never felt there was any reason to limit myself - you do only get one life after all - mine should be filled with rich delicious foods, chocolate, wine - so yes, while that is an overindulgence of sorts, I was never the type of girl who ate and ate and ate - I just wanted what I wanted when I wanted it - so I had it - If I had pizza one night I didn't look at that as an indulgent treat for the week and modify elsewhere - I went ahead and had Red Lobster the next night and McDonald's for breakfast the following morning. I had/have a taste for the good life.Today after my weight loss success that appetite manifests its self in other areas of my life - it has to - otherwise I feel that I might just explode and fizzle into Amber confetti all over the carpet-. but there's more to that story to come.
So there I was 17 lbs lighter and all fired up to keep right on trucking. 6 months later I was 50 lbs lighter and still losing. I was wearing a size 8 pants - down from a 14 - It was a proud moment as I dropped out of double digits and I can not lie its thrilling even today when I comfortably button and zip into my newest pair of Capri pants that proudly boast the smallest size I've ever worn in my ENTIRE life; a size 4.
What I didn't realize though was that with the weight loss would come a totally different set of challenges.
I'm never, never, satisfied. Losing the weight has allowed me to be seen the way I always saw myself - but what it didn't do was teach me how to handle what comes with that. The desire for attention, the desire to be viewed as beautiful and perfect - even worse -the desire to be desired - and I have not been at a loss for that - a challenge, no a demon that I struggle with on a regular basis.
The former fat girl in me - loves the attention. The former fat girl is no longer happy with being slimmer - the former fat girl wants perfection, the former fat girl wants EVERYTHING.
But Amber Lane wants to find peace and balance.
Amber Lane wants to snuggle in bed at night with her husband and know that no one else's opinions of her matter besides his and hers. Amber Lane wants to be healthy and fit and completely happy with who she is -even if that means her stomach isn't flat, she drank too many diet cokes today, and she's up a lb tonight from this morning. Amber Lane doesn't want to be obsessive.
What I'm about to find out it seems is what happens when The Former Fat Girl and Amber Lane collide.
Heavy post coming out of what "appears" to be nowhere - this is what my life is right now.