The Source of My Anxiety

I'm not at all ashamed to admit that the source of my "anxiety" - if that's what it is that I'm suffering from, is none other than the fault of my bf. Imagine being 4 years + into a relationship and knowing full well that you would be completely happy spending the rest of your life with that person, only to have them tell you that they don't think they EVER want to get married....to anyone....EVER. But their not sure so hold on tight as they drag your ass around for another X amount of years. But imagine being the dumb ass that lets that happen. That agrees to house hunt with him, move into this house (when its all finalized) and to still dream that maybe his love for you will outlast the bull shit that's keeping him from saying he doesn't ever want to get married. Imagine that you have seen good friends meet guys, fall in love, be proposed to, and get married all in less than the time that you've been with your significant other and how much that feels like a kick in the face every time you think about it and that after the better part of five years he's still not sure about you and there you have the perfect recipe for a quarter life crisis and thus my anxiety. I love him, I really do. And I'm sure about him- but I'm ready for the next phase of life.

I know its supposed to be very modern to not marry until mid thirties and focus on your career and all that bruhaha but I'm a little more old fashioned than that. I want to get married, I want to have kids and I don't want to be approaching forty when I do. And although it may insult some for me to say this but I don't think I could sustain this relationship knowing that marriage and a family is NEVER an option. Why should I have to compromise my heart's desire when it means so much to me? And then again why should he?

My final word on this matter for tonight is simply this; when it comes to nearly all issues of the heart in love and relationships, compromise is generally the way to go. In regards to this matter however, there will be no compromise. If our opinions and desires defer here we WILL go our separate ways- not in bitterness ( I hope) but because our lives just took two different paths. It's sad, I know. But I don't know how much longer I can hold out for the unknown. How long do you give a man to decide your the one? Especially when you feel that this is the very reason why at times you begin to pull away?

I don't know the answers to these questions yet but I do know I'll follow my heart in the end.

This post just further proves that I need to stay away from Theknot.com

Sigh

G'night

Miss Amber Lane