I Couldn't Hack It

I'm pretty positive that this post is going to be a lot of words thrown at the page in the hopes that something will make sense to someone other than myself- if it doesnt at least I will have my thoughts recorded for my own reflection at another time.

I've read several posts today about happy marriages. Not perfect marriages (because I know those don't exist) but marriages where they have each other's backs, enjoy doing things together, support one another, have made it through 5 years of marriage, 18 years together, 3 kids, a bout of cancer - anything, everything, heaven and hell and they still love each other.

I couldn't hack it.

I have to admit that. I ... this girl ... couldn't hack it.

I can tell myself until I am blue in the face that it takes two for a marriage to crumble and while I do  believe thats true - I know that I stood at the precipice of my crumbling marriage watching the ground crumble beneath our feet and instead of doing everything I could to make it stop - I took a jack hammer and smashed that shit to pieces.

Somehow, for some reason, I was done.

There was nothing he could do to change my mind. He could not convince me to stay, he could not coax me into even trying. No more counseling, no sleeping on it. Hell, I even told him it was a trial separation just to get my distance full well knowing I was undeniably finished after 15 months of marriage. 15 months. 7.5 years and 15 months - what kind of person could so easily turn their back on someone they had been friends with since they were 11, dated since they were 19?

How did I get there and how is that even now 18 months after moving out of our home - while I don't agree with all of my behavior and actions since that time - STILL don't feel like I made the wrong choice in not being with him - but like I made the wrong choices about how to interact with him and conduct myself and my life since that time.

I couldn't hack it. I look back on our relationship and know that I loved him but from where I stand now can see so much that I didn't love - no common interests, extreme differences in energy level, libido, adenterousness. Things that we both overlooked because we were such great friends, got along, and enjoyed each other's company. Things we NEVER should have overlooked.

Sigh.

It makes me sad though. Mostly because I'm afraid that I'm never going to find someone who can love me for me, the good and the bad, completely and fully (Look at how completely selfish I STILL am when it comes to my ex husband) . Someone who can match me and stand beside me, who builds me up and allows me to do the same for them. Who will go on adventures with me. Who will keep me interested by never falling into a rut never becoming status quo - and in return I will do the same. Someone who wants me and only me and can't even imagine life without me.

I thought that I had found that in a very unexpected way at a very unexpected time in my life- while I was still picking up the pieces. But these last couple of months have been up and down to say the least.
I haven't written it off- HIM off completely e-ven now, even after being given plenty of indications that maybe I should - I haven't because I see in him all of those things - those things that I need and so desperately want and the knowledge that there is no one else in the world I want beside me more than him.

But he's been unable to see that in me. Because of my own insecurities I have pushed away someone who means the world to me and it breaks my heart everyday.

Sometimes I think that ending my marriage the way I did destroyed my ability for a happy, healthy, normal relationship - at least for a little while - at least when this started. I was broken and scarred and selfish and on new grounds that I was just getting a feel for. I didn't have a shot in hell. Not then. But I could be that girl now - I know what feeling like I'm losing is like and I don't want to feel like that anymore. I want to feel like I have everything in the world again.

But it just wouldn't be life if we got everything we wanted.