Saturday, August 25, 2012

Status quo

I am still very much lost.

I know the answers to all the questions but I feign stupidity so that I don't have to face the truth. I have made a gran fucking mess out of this thing that used to be my life - and not a bad life at that ... And now ... Well it- meaning my life and myself are shells of what we once were.

Let me tell you this - don't trust a friend in business without contracts. Don't assume you can trust A boss who pretends to be your friend. Don't trust a man who will knowingly pursue a married woman. And Never, EVER take for granted what you have right in front of you, you never know when it will go up in smoke if you do.

 I'm not giving up.

I. Will. Rise. Above it.

And someday, when I can look back and laugh - ill tell you all about it.

Amber Lane

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Tears aren' t rare in these parts

Dear Friends,

I am completely overwhelmed with sadness. My life has turned into a giant mess. I have helped turn it into a giant mess. I wake up in the morning with nervous butterflies in my stomach - if I really think about anything for too long - I become terrified. I am never sure of anything. I doubt my intelligence, my abilities, my appearance, my friendships.
My life revolves around attempting to look like I am myself- like I am normal, like I still have a normal life. Like I don't have a (pseudo) ex husband who threatens to "expose" me, like I don't have a friend/turned land lord/ turned arch enemy who is making my life a living hell. I try to look like I know where I'll be living this time next month, in 2 weeks, this time next week - I try to look like the ground isn't crumbling beneath my feet with every step I take.
I am failing at this. All of these things are happening- and more that I don't even want to talk about here.
I am surrounded by people who love and care about me - yet I have NEVER felt more alone and isolated in my entire life.
I know that I can't really tell you anything - but think of me, pray for me, pray that someday very soon I come out of all the messes that I have made or at least helped to make. Pray that I don't lose my mind in the meantime, pray that it all works out for the best and that eventually I will become the best Amber that I can become and that this isn't just the beginning of a life time of misery.

I need help.

I just don't know where to get it.

I am lost.

I want to find myself and I never ever want to lose me again.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Are there signs from God

I am at a crossroads.

I am staring down the gauntlet.

I am scared to death to choose. I am scared to death of not choosing.

I cry almost everyday.

I pray but I think I'm only half-assing it.

Does God still listen if you say swear words when you pray? I hope so ... otherwise ... I'm fucked.

I can't stop hurting the people that I love.

Mostly I keep hurting myself by trying to please everyone, by trying not to hurt anyone.

I am not this girl - but I'm not the girl that I was before either.

Its terrifying to come to a place in your life where you have NO IDEA who you are at all - and what you want, and you wake up to realize that you no longer have a clue what true happiness feels like anymore and its Jewel said, "somehow your standard of living got stuck on survive".

I know this is cryptic - if you only knew how many blog posts I've started but couldn't bring myself to finish for fear of exposing myself too much in a critical time in my life- maybe someday when it all comes out in the wash - and I'm me again - I'll publish them all.

This morning I went into my Starbucks at Kroger - I visit there almost every morning. I was paying for my iced coffee when the barista asked me if I wanted to scan my Kroger plus card- I told her no - and when she asked why I simply told her - divorce (though after 8 months we are still not leglaly...anything different than husband and wife) - Ben and I have actually argued over our Kroger plus fuel points because we've still been using the same Kroger card account. The barista; a small African woman somewhere in her 60s came from behind the counter and opened her arms to me for a hug- which I accepted- and it wasn't a half ass .."there, there" "pat,pat" hug - it was geuine and warm and all she said was,  "it is well, everything is in the Lord's hands and it will be well".... I almost burst into tears- but I've done that too much lately so I thanked her and sipped my coffee and went on about my morning.... but I can't help but wonder - could that be the sign I've been asking God for? Is that my sign that its time to stop toeing the line and finally jump over?


Only thing I know for sure... this has got to stop.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Dear Blogger

I miss blogging.

Not just blogging ... but blogging about NOTHING. I miss logging in and typing a blog chock full of pictures from my weekend and purchases I made and how I lost weight this week and blah, blah, blah. Posts like that are much more fun than the ones I've shared lately ... but I haven't made any fun purchases lately
( I bought a new hard drive for my laptop and paid an outrageous energy bill - does that count?) and I certainly haven't lost weight - my biggest work out this week was running after a 14 month old and a 10 month old on Saturday afternoon (although my quads are burning and my arms ache like I've been lifting weights lol)  so.... ce'st la vie ... life is different now... posts are bound to be different too.

Fact of the matter is - I'm sick of my life revolving around the dramz of a divorce and all that it entails ... I'm ready to bring this thing to a close and be able to talk about life again ... actually living life and I am ACTUALLY LIVING LIFE its just I'm getting used to new normals and it sucks the energy for blogging right out of this child.

Here I am now though - so how about a weekend update?

This weekend I was off on Friday and Saturday and was Manager on Duty at work Sunday.
Friday I slept in until about 11:30 then ran errands while the bf went to class. When I got home I did laundry and mopped the floors because by 6:30 the bf's little girl was scooching around in her pjs being adorable and I didn't want her knees to collect dust and paw prints. We spent the evening with her then picked up dinner from IHop to eat at home after dropping her back off to her mom.

Saturday was all about working on the new/old SUV. The bf works on cars as a hobby and about a week ago he snagged an older Explorer for a steal and has been fixing it up. My friend Megan's husband also knows a little something about cars so Saturday morning after the bf picked up the baby for the afternoon the 3 of us went over to Megan's to get some work done on the vehicle. The boys worked on the vehicle I hung out with the babies....yes plural...Megan was at work and with her husband helping work on the SUV someone had to keep an eye on Miss Shelby - so I hung out with the girls and let the boys spend time with a fuel pump in the cold, windy January air. It was a lot of work keeping up with the girls but also a lot of fun - I took a lot of adorable pics of the two together but I'm not comfortable posting any of the bf's daughter without consent - especially since I do not know or have a relationship with her mother - so while I may blurb a snippet here or there about how adorable she is - I won't be disclosing her name or any photos of her - I think thats the appropriate and respectful thing to do.

After about 4 hours on the SUV and with babies -we were all exhausted so we headed for home. The baby napped and we talked about dinner plans for after she went back to her mom - we decided on an old Italian place thats been in business for about 75 years - the food was phenomenal - the service was lousy. Can't win em' all I guess lol. I fell asleep on the couch watching The Expendables and that ended my weekend.

Sunday was work followed by chicken wings, keno, and the pro bowl at a local bar.

Now its Monday and the dawn of a new week. Its sunny and the next couple of days are promising to be unseasonably warm for January in southern Ohio so I'm hoping it lifts the winter blahs for the masses and everyone is in good moods for the week.

This week I have a hair appt (finally -ladies I made one for a week ago Saturday and it got cancelled thanks to an ice storm) its been since the first week in November that I had my hair done and I NEED IT - I'm also ready to start lightening back up ... brown hair was fun for awhile but its just not me! I also have a meeting with my lawyer ...but that's not fun stuff so enough of that for now! 

Hope everyone is well and has a great week! Before we know it spring will be here and with the flowers will bloom new beginnings - hope you're all as excited for that as I am!

Much Love!

Monday, January 16, 2012

January 16th 2012 - How My Life is Different Now

1. My hair is brown

2. I have a new dog. Olive passed away after having a couple of massive seizures in December – it was heartbreaking. Christmas eve the new beau took me to meet a family who raises beagle basset mixes and he bought me Holly to bring home and love.

RIP Little Pug Princess

Meet Holly

3. I have gained 6 lbs back from the 5 I lost when I was so distraught all the time I could barely eat. While its bothered me a little bit I’ve learned its happiness weight.

4. BTW the “new beau’s” name is Lee. We are the EXACT same age. Both born August 8th 1984. We met early in August at a spot we both frequented. Just conversationally we got to talking about our birthdays and discovered we had the same one – we did not exchange numbers, we did not flirt, I don’t think either of us thought anything much about the other until a month later on a Wednesday night we ran into each other again somewhere entirely different – he remembered me – I did not remember him until he said, “You’re the girl with the same birthday as me” – then I remembered. My marriage was already in shambles at this time but I am at the point where I feel comfortable saying that I pushed it over the edge after I met Lee.

Me and my guy at Sam's bday party in late November

5. It was a very quick move but we decided we didn’t want to spend any more nights apart so we now share the 3 bedroom rental house.

6. I stay up until 1am instead of going to bed at 10 pm simply because I’m bored as I did in my old life. Because I am happy and less stressed I don’t feel nearly as tired as I frequently did then.

7. On that same note on the weekends I sleep in until I wake up on my own. This means that once or twice I’ve slept until 2pm and didn’t even bother to feel guilty about it.

8. I don’t go out nearly as much as I did when my marriage was ending – I definitely don’t drink as much wine. Maybe a glass or two a week. I’m content to rent a handful of movies and snuggle up on the couch these days.

9. I feel like its ok to dream again. So often the dreams I had in my past life were crushed by the unwillingness of my spouse to help me realize those dreams: several vacations, the desire for children and a home that we could be proud of …. I realize now that we wanted different things out of our lives. I feel like those are once again realistic dreams – not just because I’m with someone who will dream with me but because I know I’m strong enough to remove myself from unfavorable situations and make the choices I need to make in order to be happy.

10. I spend a lot of time with a 13 month old little girl. Lee has a daughter. A beautiful, sweet, smart little girl whom he adores – not gonna lie – she’s stolen my heart too.

11. I’ve learned I’m not perfect and I need to chill the fuck out every once in a while.

12. I’ve also learned that normal is a relative term. My normal is different than yours. Our normal is different than theirs and no one way is necessarily the right way.

13. I’m really working on not being so critical of myself and in turn not being so critical of everyone else in my life. Sometimes I need to take the blame for things – I’m not perfect- am never going to be perfect. I’m working on accepting my short-comings and moving on- because the way I view myself can and does affect my relationships with others.

14. I’ve actually left my house to go to dinner in a hoody, sans makeup, wearing gym shoes. Those of you who don’t know me IRL probably have no idea how big of a deal this is but trust me … its epic. I’ve always prided myself on looking “perfect” at all times – perhaps it’s because when I was heavy it was my way of “hiding” (in therapy they call this a breakthrough) I’m learning to be ok with myself – just as I am.

15. I used to think that I wasn't a snuggle sleeper that is until I fell for someone who is - if ever there is a night that I don't feel his arms around me - things just don't feel right to me.

16. I realized that since I started eating so healthy- I'm not a very good cook anymore. I've subbed out so much of the yummy fattening stuff that my food is boring and bland to those who prefer not to eat that way. I'm researching a middle ground... cause even though I call it "happy weight" 6 lbs is ENOUGH!

17. I'm happy. Undeniably happy. Things aren't always easy - definitely never perfect but there is freedom in truth and now that I'm being completely honest with myself and everyone in my life... I am free.