Monday, May 7, 2012

Are there signs from God

I am at a crossroads.

I am staring down the gauntlet.

I am scared to death to choose. I am scared to death of not choosing.

I cry almost everyday.

I pray but I think I'm only half-assing it.

Does God still listen if you say swear words when you pray? I hope so ... otherwise ... I'm fucked.

I can't stop hurting the people that I love.

Mostly I keep hurting myself by trying to please everyone, by trying not to hurt anyone.

I am not this girl - but I'm not the girl that I was before either.

Its terrifying to come to a place in your life where you have NO IDEA who you are at all - and what you want, and you wake up to realize that you no longer have a clue what true happiness feels like anymore and its Jewel said, "somehow your standard of living got stuck on survive".

I know this is cryptic - if you only knew how many blog posts I've started but couldn't bring myself to finish for fear of exposing myself too much in a critical time in my life- maybe someday when it all comes out in the wash - and I'm me again - I'll publish them all.

This morning I went into my Starbucks at Kroger - I visit there almost every morning. I was paying for my iced coffee when the barista asked me if I wanted to scan my Kroger plus card- I told her no - and when she asked why I simply told her - divorce (though after 8 months we are still not leglaly...anything different than husband and wife) - Ben and I have actually argued over our Kroger plus fuel points because we've still been using the same Kroger card account. The barista; a small African woman somewhere in her 60s came from behind the counter and opened her arms to me for a hug- which I accepted- and it wasn't a half ass .."there, there" "pat,pat" hug - it was geuine and warm and all she said was,  "it is well, everything is in the Lord's hands and it will be well".... I almost burst into tears- but I've done that too much lately so I thanked her and sipped my coffee and went on about my morning.... but I can't help but wonder - could that be the sign I've been asking God for? Is that my sign that its time to stop toeing the line and finally jump over?

Sigh.

Only thing I know for sure... this has got to stop.

3 comments:

Aishlea and Brandon said...

Praying for you, friend.

CandiPants said...

Signs are everywhere seems cliche to say but it is fact. You will know them in an instant when they appear. You have to focus on you and getting "you" back. The real you. Not the bride, not the betrayed one. YOU. Only you can do that though. I don't know all the details of what you have been going through...but I know one thing...you are a STRONG and CONFIDENT woman and you can handle anything. Keep in mind that God will not give us more than we can handle. Take one battle at a time...conquer it and roll on to the next. I for one have confidence in you...and have since the day I met you in that horrible phone bank. =) I thought to myself, "damn...what could I be if only I had had Amber's sense of self at that age?" I may be older...but I admire you. And I have faith that your life is going to be amazing! These are all tests...you will pass them without question! xoxo

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

Hang in there! Remember you are strong!