I am at a crossroads.
I am staring down the gauntlet.
I am scared to death to choose. I am scared to death of not choosing.
I cry almost everyday.
I pray but I think I'm only half-assing it.
Does God still listen if you say swear words when you pray? I hope so ... otherwise ... I'm fucked.
I can't stop hurting the people that I love.
Mostly I keep hurting myself by trying to please everyone, by trying not to hurt anyone.
I am not this girl - but I'm not the girl that I was before either.
Its terrifying to come to a place in your life where you have NO IDEA who you are at all - and what you want, and you wake up to realize that you no longer have a clue what true happiness feels like anymore and its Jewel said, "somehow your standard of living got stuck on survive".
I know this is cryptic - if you only knew how many blog posts I've started but couldn't bring myself to finish for fear of exposing myself too much in a critical time in my life- maybe someday when it all comes out in the wash - and I'm me again - I'll publish them all.
This morning I went into my Starbucks at Kroger - I visit there almost every morning. I was paying for my iced coffee when the barista asked me if I wanted to scan my Kroger plus card- I told her no - and when she asked why I simply told her - divorce (though after 8 months we are still not leglaly...anything different than husband and wife) - Ben and I have actually argued over our Kroger plus fuel points because we've still been using the same Kroger card account. The barista; a small African woman somewhere in her 60s came from behind the counter and opened her arms to me for a hug- which I accepted- and it wasn't a half ass .."there, there" "pat,pat" hug - it was geuine and warm and all she said was, "it is well, everything is in the Lord's hands and it will be well".... I almost burst into tears- but I've done that too much lately so I thanked her and sipped my coffee and went on about my morning.... but I can't help but wonder - could that be the sign I've been asking God for? Is that my sign that its time to stop toeing the line and finally jump over?
Only thing I know for sure... this has got to stop.
4 days ago