I am completely overwhelmed with sadness. My life has turned into a giant mess. I have helped turn it into a giant mess. I wake up in the morning with nervous butterflies in my stomach - if I really think about anything for too long - I become terrified. I am never sure of anything. I doubt my intelligence, my abilities, my appearance, my friendships.
My life revolves around attempting to look like I am myself- like I am normal, like I still have a normal life. Like I don't have a (pseudo) ex husband who threatens to "expose" me, like I don't have a friend/turned land lord/ turned arch enemy who is making my life a living hell. I try to look like I know where I'll be living this time next month, in 2 weeks, this time next week - I try to look like the ground isn't crumbling beneath my feet with every step I take.
I am failing at this. All of these things are happening- and more that I don't even want to talk about here.
I am surrounded by people who love and care about me - yet I have NEVER felt more alone and isolated in my entire life.
I know that I can't really tell you anything - but think of me, pray for me, pray that someday very soon I come out of all the messes that I have made or at least helped to make. Pray that I don't lose my mind in the meantime, pray that it all works out for the best and that eventually I will become the best Amber that I can become and that this isn't just the beginning of a life time of misery.
I need help.
I just don't know where to get it.
I am lost.
I want to find myself and I never ever want to lose me again.
Mondays with Manny
12 hours ago