January 16th 2012 - How My Life is Different Now

1. My hair is brown

2. I have a new dog. Olive passed away after having a couple of massive seizures in December – it was heartbreaking. Christmas eve the new beau took me to meet a family who raises beagle basset mixes and he bought me Holly to bring home and love.

RIP Little Pug Princess

Meet Holly

3. I have gained 6 lbs back from the 5 I lost when I was so distraught all the time I could barely eat. While its bothered me a little bit I’ve learned its happiness weight.

4. BTW the “new beau’s” name is Lee. We are the EXACT same age. Both born August 8th 1984. We met early in August at a spot we both frequented. Just conversationally we got to talking about our birthdays and discovered we had the same one – we did not exchange numbers, we did not flirt, I don’t think either of us thought anything much about the other until a month later on a Wednesday night we ran into each other again somewhere entirely different – he remembered me – I did not remember him until he said, “You’re the girl with the same birthday as me” – then I remembered. My marriage was already in shambles at this time but I am at the point where I feel comfortable saying that I pushed it over the edge after I met Lee.

Me and my guy at Sam's bday party in late November

5. It was a very quick move but we decided we didn’t want to spend any more nights apart so we now share the 3 bedroom rental house.

6. I stay up until 1am instead of going to bed at 10 pm simply because I’m bored as I did in my old life. Because I am happy and less stressed I don’t feel nearly as tired as I frequently did then.

7. On that same note on the weekends I sleep in until I wake up on my own. This means that once or twice I’ve slept until 2pm and didn’t even bother to feel guilty about it.

8. I don’t go out nearly as much as I did when my marriage was ending – I definitely don’t drink as much wine. Maybe a glass or two a week. I’m content to rent a handful of movies and snuggle up on the couch these days.

9. I feel like its ok to dream again. So often the dreams I had in my past life were crushed by the unwillingness of my spouse to help me realize those dreams: several vacations, the desire for children and a home that we could be proud of …. I realize now that we wanted different things out of our lives. I feel like those are once again realistic dreams – not just because I’m with someone who will dream with me but because I know I’m strong enough to remove myself from unfavorable situations and make the choices I need to make in order to be happy.

10. I spend a lot of time with a 13 month old little girl. Lee has a daughter. A beautiful, sweet, smart little girl whom he adores – not gonna lie – she’s stolen my heart too.

11. I’ve learned I’m not perfect and I need to chill the fuck out every once in a while.

12. I’ve also learned that normal is a relative term. My normal is different than yours. Our normal is different than theirs and no one way is necessarily the right way.

13. I’m really working on not being so critical of myself and in turn not being so critical of everyone else in my life. Sometimes I need to take the blame for things – I’m not perfect- am never going to be perfect. I’m working on accepting my short-comings and moving on- because the way I view myself can and does affect my relationships with others.

14. I’ve actually left my house to go to dinner in a hoody, sans makeup, wearing gym shoes. Those of you who don’t know me IRL probably have no idea how big of a deal this is but trust me … its epic. I’ve always prided myself on looking “perfect” at all times – perhaps it’s because when I was heavy it was my way of “hiding” (in therapy they call this a breakthrough) I’m learning to be ok with myself – just as I am.

15. I used to think that I wasn't a snuggle sleeper that is until I fell for someone who is - if ever there is a night that I don't feel his arms around me - things just don't feel right to me.

16. I realized that since I started eating so healthy- I'm not a very good cook anymore. I've subbed out so much of the yummy fattening stuff that my food is boring and bland to those who prefer not to eat that way. I'm researching a middle ground... cause even though I call it "happy weight" 6 lbs is ENOUGH!

17. I'm happy. Undeniably happy. Things aren't always easy - definitely never perfect but there is freedom in truth and now that I'm being completely honest with myself and everyone in my life... I am free.