The Truth

Ok.

So I haven't been competely honest with you. I haven't exactly been lying- I've just been withholding information - information that will much better explain my absence from blogger than my stock answer of : "I'm sooo busy".

I'm sorry, but after you finish this post- I think you will understand.

So deep breath here goes:

I am so miserably unhappy right now that I would feel like a hipocrite writing joyful Wedding Wednesday posts about the, "Happiest Day of My Life" or bubbly perky posts about how great married life is. Looking at our beautiful wedding pictures- I just feel sad. I feel sorry for Ben and myself as we smile and look lovingly at one another posed in sunset pictures- because the two of us think that we are embarking on the happiest time in our lives and instead this has been the worst two months of my life.

All of this sounds terrible doesn't it? Well guess what - too bad - real life isn't all about perfect pictures, of perfect bloggers, doing perfect things - real life includes heartache and turmoil and disappointment- all of which the newly minted Smith family has been experiencing.


I of course can not give you nitty gritty details about our issues without over-sharing personal details but I can give it to you in a nutshell- and please note that this post is not intended to evoke a pity party from my followers-but this is my blog and I feel that what I am going through needs to be documented. So, in a nutshell;

Lies. Lies on top of lies on top of lies all to do with our finances that I trustingly thought were under control. Come to find out that my husband has been so far behind on our household bills that we were hundreds of dollars behind on all of them - but he never told me - all of a sudden a big chunk of our already budgeted money would be gone to these bills that I never even knew existed. I also found out that our savings for our first home was completely blown through and that Ben's parents expect us to pay them more than $1,000 a month in order to repay them the $5,000 they contributed to help finish paying for our wedding. Money that they offered to help us with and never discussed repayment terms with us about until they were demanding the first payment- from the gift money we received from our wishing well.

Not that dragging out all the dirty laundry wasn't hard enough - but even after I sat down and wrote Ben a heartfelt letter about my feelings and wrote out a budget from now until February- catching us up completely and getting Ben's parents paid- Ben has gone behind my back several times - broken the budget and written checks to his parents that were not agreed on or budgeted for - leaving us with unpaid bills, or no groceries or gas money for upwards of a week ... we may not have electricity after next week and I may default on my student loan - but damnit his parents are paid.

I have no idea what to do. I no longer trust this man that I've known since I was 11 years old. I put my faith in him and he continually crushes me. Even after we've discussed it (continually) he continues to put his parents before me and completely omits me from the equation. I don't know what to do. I have cried more times in the past two months than I have in probably the past two years of my life and there seems to be absolutely no way out.

It is going to be hard enough to catch up on all the bills that Ben has gotten us behind on + keeping current on the bills that we are not behind on - but also owing his parents and them not working with us or understanding (because Ben refuses to tell them how behind he has gotten on everything else) makes us essentially destitute - but on paper we are not because we make too much money to qualify for any type of econimic hardship deferments as they don't take into consideration the money you may owe people like your parents.

So there you have it. Can you imagine how awful I feel everytime anyone asks me how married life is (and its frequently)? I want to tell them its awful and sometimes I wish we had never even had a wedding- that would have taken care of the money we owe Ben's parents - and truthfully if I had known how much Ben was going to hurt me and lie to me and put others before me- there may not have even been a marriage.

And to add insult - my work life is in shambles due to MORE structural changes, our townhouse is falling apart (sewer backed up into basement, airconditioner leaking, tile floor coming up in kitchen) and I pretty much feel like I'm on the losing end of every battle that I've been faced with.

Pity party for me huh?

So I'm sorry if my blogging is essentially non existant - but posts like this are pretty much all I have to offer right now.

Amber Lane