So as I mentioned; last night I watched the season premiere of Jon and Kate Plus 8.
It was horrible.
I tuned in hoping that all of the media stories were just hype to generate more interest in the show and that Jon and Kate would once again be side by side on their couch bickering over the everyday happenings of their not so normal lives.
No luck. Bennyboo and I sat side by side on our couch - in the same places we were sitting this time last year when we first began to catch up on- and fall in love with the TLC hit - while essentially both Jon and Kate admitted that their marriage had crumbled and that they were in fact, in a very bad place.
It was so sad to watch... and so awkward. Of course I don't know the whole story (only Jon and Kate do ) but I couldn't help but get kind of mad. I was thinking: look what you two are doing- you're throwing it all away- for what? Money? Fame? If I were Kate I would have gotten up off that couch at the end and said, "Thanks for the ride America but my marriage and my family are so much more important to me than this." and then the screen would have cut to black- the end. But no, the show continued - making it painfully obvious that this season is going on seperated or not, happy or not, with Jon or without.
And those poor kids. Can you imagine...if this is really the end- their parents divorce will be documented and shown to all of America- and the little ones do realize what's happening on some level- one of them even told Jon that she didn't want him to go away anymore on camera- how sad is that?
I have to admit- it also scares me. It scares me becuase I have compared myself to Kate Gosselin- organized, particular, anal ... how easy would it be for me to nit pick Boo into misery- will I be a mother so worried and up tight that I drive everyone nuts?
I am beginning to realize as my engagement progresses towards marriage- that relationships are fragile and any tip in the scale could throw your harmony off balance. The divorce rate is so high- I look at my sisters who have been married for many, many years already and think that they are lucky and surely will never get divorced and will I be so lucky? How can I ensure that I never lose sight of who I am, who we are as a couple, and that we always remeber the way that we feel right now- so happy, so in love- can we ever be sure that we won't crumble when there are sure to be so many road blocks on our path?
Its scary- not because I'm scared that Ben isn't the right man for me - I know that he is- have known from the start- I'm scared of all the things that may hurt someday- money problems, infidelity, problems with children, death of our loved ones and one another- its all terrifying. How do we avoid the heartache and just stay crazy in love?
How do you not end up like Jon and Kate ( I mean barring of course the public lives, 8 children, and millions of dollars they are now sure to have) and truly live happily ever after?
I don't know- but I'm sure going to work for the rest of my life to find out.