Monday, April 15, 2013

Spring-ing Forward

(See! I'm still alive! Still kicking! Proof positive right here! Duck Face and all!!)

As it tends to do - time is marching forward. Spring time has finally arrived in southern Ohio. I am wearing a thin spring dress and sandals and am completely comfortable in the outside air - and we all breathe a sigh of relief that winter is behind us and summer is (hopefully) not too far ahead of us!

I've spent the last couple of days reading over my old blogs - from the time I started this blog back in 2008 to the present and I simply cannot believe how much my life has changed.

When I started this blog I was an overweight 23 year old, living in sin with my boyfriend, praying for my dream job and just living life. I did in fact find a job that I loved within a matter of months and though I was often super tired and stressed from getting acclimated to my job - I seemed overall happy and if not happy than at least comfortable with my position in life. I knew which side my bread was buttered on - at least for awhile.

Then came the engagement. The wedding planning. The weight loss. During the time that I was losing the weight I was so confident and proud of myself and I should have been - no doubt ,but I let it go to my head.  As I'm sure any woman who has lost a significant amount of weight can tell you - the loss changes you down to your very core and if you are in a relationship that is on steady ground as it is - you are headed towards very dangerous waters.

I will not attribute 100% of my marital demise to my weight loss but I will say it factored in.

These things weight loss and wedding - consumed my very existance - I was so wrapped up in having the perfect wedding that I forgot the part about actually being in love with the person I was with enough to actually marry them. Was I? I thought that I was - but looking back I'm not sure - I'm not sure what really happened. I reread over the posts I made after our wedding - even before - and they're dripping with resentment and frustration that only escalated up until the point that I finally announced publicly that I had moved out and started dating someone new - someone who turned out to be the catalyst of my emotional and professional demise for the better part of a year and half.   Then came what I refer to here, and on facebook as, "the dark period" a span of months and months where posts, pictures, opinions were limited in public forum. I was afraid to say anything - afraid it would be used against me - on fb I went from posting pictures of every little thing in life (much like I used to do here) to posting MAYBE 10 pictures total for over a year. As someone who likes to document things for posterity I feel like a whole year of my life is missing - and honestly it kind of was.   I'm not here today to rehash any more of the sordid details of my past year - I am actually here to declare that re-reading myself over the past few days has reminded me who I am and where I come from. Reminded me that some things are really important (family, good friends, a job, and a life that you can be proud of) and some things really aren't (seriously could I have blogged any more about TV shows back in the day?!). These days I am focused more on the relationships I have with the people who are most important in my life - the ones who have been there through it all and the ones that came along when I needed them the most and helped bring me back to life.   I suppose that's the right segue to introduce someone who has been huge in my life over the past several months. I am incredibly cautious and protective of him and of protecting his privacy - I have infinite respect for this man and the amazing opportunities that he has given me -so I'm not going to give you his name I will refer to him the way I have him listed in my Iphone; "Rockstar" - that may sound really cheesy but I promise its for good reason.   The Rockstar and I met on-line. I suppose we were both "looking" but mostly we were both fresh out of relationships and looking for companionship. We chatted on-line one night and discovered we frequented a lot of the same places and I quickly that he even had a regular Wednesday night gig at a local bar thatI was very familiar with,  hosting an acoustic open mic night. He gave me his full name so I could look him up and be comforable meeting so it probably wasn't even a week before we agreed to meet for coffee and to watch his friend's band play at the coffee shop. We got along great right off the bat so cofee turned into dinner, where we found out that even though he's a vegetarian and I am a bonafide meat- eater that at this particular dining establishment we ordered the exact same thing - an item that they still make on request but is no longer a menu item. Since dinner went well and we had already discussed that he not only hosted the acoustic open mic but was also looking for a replacement singer for his acoustic duo - and I had casually mentioned that I sing and was a musical theater major in college we decided to go to a no-name bar (both fresh out of dramatically ending relationships we both wanted to fly under the radar) and sing karaoke - with no holds barred I jumped on stage and sang my heart out- he later told me he fell in love with my voice right then and there -but on the spot upon returning to my bar stool he demanded I join him as the singer in his acoustic duo with 2 gigs already booked just 1 month out. I sat on the fence for about a week , I would be replacing his ex gf and with an interest in him romantically already beginning to bloom it was an awkward idea, but eventually I agreed and we became an acoustic duo.   The months that followed were a whirlwind of practices and bookings. The Rockstar and I were also developing romantically and that was exciting. I was introduced to so many local musicians and awesome people who quickly accepted me and became my friends. We went to concerts together. Took a trip to New Orleans for St. Patty's together. We've worked hard together and played hard together. We started booking more gigs; benefits, paid gigs, and eventually were asked to take over the acoustic open mic night together as a duo - which has been nothing short of amazing with all the local talent we get to host and jam with. The Rockstar quickly became my best friend and remains as such today. He has been a huge encourager of my musical talent and a cheerleader for 2013  being an amazing year for us after the shit year we both had in 2012 - no details about his bad luck just suffice to say it rivaled mine.
I was introduced to his children (he was married, is now divorced and has two girls - he is 9 years my senior) and allowed to become a part of their lives - but thankfully not in a capacity where I have to be something I'm not (someone's mother). For me, The Rockstar has been nothing short of a miracle worker for my self esteem. He has reminded me that someone can want to be a part of your life simply because they appreciate you, they want you around - not because they have something to gain from you- and that was something that I was really struggling with after the ex and I broke up.

I wish I could tell you that we have the perfect love story and everything is rosy blooms but that's just not realistic. We have definitely had growing pains and are at present experiencing some of those. We are still very much a part of one anothers lives in a romantic way and in a professional way but we are trying to suss out the finer points of that. As I said we were both fresh out of relationships when we met so there was definitely some scar tissue for both of us when we began dating. We are trying to establish what the whirlwind nature of our first couple of months together that were equal parts romantic and professional entertwined means going forward. No labels, no definitions. Just two people who care about each other, work well together, and appreciate each other.

Of course my journey to full emotional recovery is one that lies mainly within myself and while this positive person and relationship in my life has been a wonderful experience I've got a lot of work to do on myself. There is absolutely no way to express the love and respect I have for what this man has done in my life and I feel it isso important that I tell everyone about it here. 

See not everything is bad. Actually life is pretty good right now. Everyday isn't a serious, dramatic affair. Some days are just normal, happy days. Wake up, have breakfast, go shopping, lunch out, a movie. It feels good to have a normal existance again. Or at least the start of one!

Today is a work day but its my Friday. I work S,M,T,F so I'm off the next two days but have a gig this, and every Wednesday night.

This week I'm looking forward to having my nails done tomorrow, our show Wednesday, my oldest nephew's last college concert (graduating in May- can't believe it!) and what's looking like a quiet weekend in this weekend. One week from Saturday we have a big 4 hour show at a local bar/restaraunt so we have a lot of rehearsing to do!

Hope everyone (or anyone who actually still reads this) has a fantastic week! I'll be back soon!

Much Love Always,

Miss Amber Lane

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