Friday, December 5, 2014

When There's Nothing Left to Say

XMas 2008 Around the time I started this blog

I logged into blogger today ... for the first time in a long time. Every now and then I maybe snuck a peek from Instagram if a link was posted but for the most part, Blogger has been a thing of ancient history...and my news feed reflects that. Of the many I have been a follower of for years...only about 5 update their blogs with any regularity, and even those bloggers take to the Instagram way more than Blogger. Its ok. Its just another sign of the times that are changing.

Dec 2014 Work Bathroom Selfie
My world is oh-so-different than when I started this blog, as many of ours are. I started this blog as a young, overweight girl, in a long-term relationship who was salty over the fact that her boyfriend wouldn't propose. Then suddenly we were engaged. Then I lost the weight. Then we were married. Then I was self-obsessed. Then the marriage crumbled. Then my life went to utter shit. Then it started to turn around. Now? Now, things are good. Almost too good, scary good....nothing can stay good for too long can they?

There's no room for that type of pessimism here...of course things can stay that good - because for once in my life I am working hard at these things. I'm not constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop anymore, I'm not striving for goals that are unimportant in the grand scheme of life like an over-the-top wedding for a relationship that was probably doomed before the engagement ring ever went on my finger or losing weight and "getting hot" for all the wrong reasons. For years...I tried to convince myself that what the gossip mill said about me, "Amber lost all that weight and thought she was too good for her husband" wasn't true...but there was an iota of truth to it...maybe more than iota. My personal goals were all a mess. There's really not much more that I can say about that.

Now I just want to be good for all the people in my life that are important. Its sad that it took me this long to figure that out and that I hurt people along the way, but its good to finally feel like I am aligned as a person, that I have figured out what's important and what's just fluff.

I can't blog regularly anymore. I don't have that much to say anymore. No, my life hasn't suddently turned boring but who has time for all this? Not only that but I have no grand aspiration to be some major blogger and go to blog wonderland or whatever that convention the die-hard bloggers go to every year. I don't want sponsers, I don't want haters, and I don't want to have to be someone's role model... I tried to go that way. At one point when I was really kicking ass at the fitness goals, I think I flirted with the idea of going the direction that Mama Laughlin (god love her kick-ass self) went in with training and competitions ... I was planning to be certified in group fitness and everything..but at that had other plans and I didn't handle my big D as gracefully as she seems to be (matter of fact one might say that I went bat-shit crazy for awhile...whatevs) so I had to be more focused on pulling my own head out of my arse than getting amazingly fit. And while I wish I could look in the mirror today and see abs like Mama L and not the 10lbs I gained back from my lowest weight back around the time of my seperation..... I know that everything happens for a reason. And while things that I went through sucked....they made me stronger and better than I ever have been before.

Maybe some days I'll want to blog. Maybe some days I won't. Maybe Blogger is on its way to becoming what MySpace became (read: obsolete) and it won't matter if I blog or not.  Maybe the point of this particular post is becoming convaluded ...maybe I don't really know how to spell that word and I'm not going to spell check it. Whatever it is, it is.

I hope that if this post shows up in a newsfeed graveyard of yours and you're surprised to see after months and months this so-called: "blonde bride" has posted something; that you take a moment to say hi and tell me how you've been - especially if we've exchanged words before. Many of the bloggers who author blogs that I read regularly; I feel like I know personally and its always a welcome surprise to hear from any of you!

I guess before I go I want to tell anyone that's reading that its ok to change. You don't have to feel bad because what you once offered on your blog is no longer the real you; in my case a 25 year old blonde fiancee/wife who was Zumba obsessed turned 30 year old, raven haired singer, girlfriend, vegetarian, blah,blah,blah whatever ... just embrace who you are, put it out there and if people don't like it .... well, there's a reason you have two middle fingers.....hold em' up, smile, and move on.


Aishlea said...

Hi, there! :) I like the dark hair! I still blog regularly, but took my blog private a few months ago. Glad that life is going well for you! Merry Christmas!

Jamie Danielle said...

Holy shit girl you have IG?
add me 'jamiedmccoy' :)
Glad to see an update & sounds like things are going good your way.
You look awesome & I love that dark hair, very sassy.

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

Ditto! Add me on instagram! jmomiller

I'm so happy for you that you are doing great! You deserve to be happy!