) :

I just realized that I'm lonely.

Its no big deal really, I suppose. I just came across pictures a friend - a girl who has been one of my best friends- posted on Myspace of her hanging out with a group of girls that I don't know. For
a year while she dated the guy who broke her heart last month- I was pretty much forgotten about and now when I thought she was just needing time to heal and was laying low she's been hanging out with a brand new crowd and doesn't bother to call and ask me to do things anymore.

Yes, I know it sounds petty but I've just really realized lately that I am almost completely void of female companionship these days. If I'm not bugging the crap out of my friends to do things with me- they don't get done. When did my friendship become so inconsequential to this gals?

Of course I have Ben- but its just not the same.

Sigh.

On another note- I've been quite the bad blogger lately. I would tell you that I'm going to catch you up soon- but let's be honest- its really much easier to just move forward.

For Now...

Miss Amber Lane

Who Shaped You?

Have you ever paused for a moment in your day and wondered why you are the way that you are? 

How you became the woman or man that you are today? 

I have.

I did yesterday, just randomly. I think I was blow drying my hair and fussing over my new bangs and being " just so" about how they look ( that's right I said bangs- baby has sassy hair now- pictures soon).  I wondered, how did I get so anal about something so small? 

The ideas began to swirl. Was it my mother? Nope, not a chance. Ma Mere hasn't even touched a blow dryer in the past 15 years. That's when I realized, it wasn't my mother - or even anyone that I ever knew well. It was a woman that I met briefly one summer when I was 18 whose last name I can't even remember (read more about her below). 

This struck me as amusing- how funny that we subconsiously ( and maybe sometimes consciously) select the peices from people whom we admire and respect to help put the puzzles of our selves together. Sometimes it may even be people who we hate that shape us, be it through tribulations that they force us to weather or characteristics of theirs that we recognize as unscrupulous and spend our lives trying no to emulate. 

This thought is the catalyst of todays post ; my reflection on the 10 people whom I feel shaped me into who I am (and am becoming) today. They are not particularly in the proper order but I was having a little word vomit and let the post flow as it would.

Disclaimer: Its a long one. 

Here we go:

10. Sandra Kay ----? 

This is the lady whose last name I cannot remember. She was the wife of the pastor at my sister's church in Tampa, Fl. Because my brother-in-law was  minister of music at said church my sister spent much time with Ms. Sandra Kay and they became friends. When  I was 18 I spent the entire summer with my sister and her family in Florida- just before I was introduced to Sandra Kay my sister tried to describe her to me. She didn't wax poetic about Sandra Kay's character or her kindess, or her great love of Jesus; no, my sister said to me:

"Sandra Kay is the most put together woman you will ever meet in your life, her nails are always done, her make up is flawless, and never is a hair on her head out of place". And this woman was everything my sister said- and perky, oh so perky to boot. 

From that moment on, I knew this was the way that I wanted people to see me. 

Practically perfect in every way. 

Do I live up to it? 

Hell no. 

It is the impossible dream and it is exhausting - in real life eye makeup smudges into circles under your eyes after a long day at work, hair frizzes in the humidity, nails break and perky? Baby can't be perky all day. 

Yet somehow when I'm deciding whether or not to be put together, go the extra mile, spend the extra time on myself and how I present my self, when I'm just about to lazy out of it and let my bangs do whatever I want- there's Sandra Kay whats-her-name pushing me to be the most put together Amber Lane that I can be. 

9. Mrs. Helton 3rd Grade Teacher: 

My third grade teacher was telling my class the story of the incident in Waco, Texas. You remember. the one with the Branch Dividians who were held  hostage situation until the siege of their compound? Well,  as 8 and 9 year olds we were stunned by the story of the man who believed he was God and was brainwashing children 

(also why would you tell children this story?)

From the back of the room one of my classmates asked for the name of this man. Presumably my teacher must have thought that these details were unimportant to children of this age so she told us,

 "I'm not going to tell you- you wont remember anyway" 

I raised my hand and was called on,

"Please tell us, I'll remember - I swear" 

She told us, shaking her head and quickly moved on. 

I still remember the name, David Koresh and I won't forget it as long as I live. 

Mrs. Helton made me realize that the more you tell me I won't/can't do something: the more I'm going to try to prove you absolutely, 100% wrong.

8. My grandma: Anna Lane 

Grandma was a worrier- Amber Lane is a worrier. Right now, I' m so worked up over the swine flu I can hardly express my concern. Fears of a modern day buobonic plague are swimming around in my head and if I so much as dream of getting a stomach ache i'll be at the doctor faster than you can  blink a mascarad eye. Though grandma passed when I was just 5 years old- we find that I adopted her worry- gene pure and honest.  Also- Grandma's style was once described as: classic, which I loved and have strived ever since to mimic a timeless, classic, only slightly trend infused style just like my mamaw. 

7. Ma Mere

Sometimes from those you love most- you learn most about who you do not want to become. I love my mother more than I could ever express, I respect her, admire her, and feel truly blessed that our relationship is significantly more than a mother daughter relationship; but also a true friendship. I would not change her for the world (well not much anyway) but through her faults and mistakes I have recognized the things that I refuse to become and the biggest of these things is afraid. 

I refuse to sit back and let things happen to me, I refuse to become passive aggressive. I refuse to be stepped on. I refuse to settle for less than what I deserve simply because I fear having my voice heard or being met with opposition. Through her meekness in this arena, I have found my strength and am hoping that in turn I will be able to instill some of it on her so that in her later life she can have everything she deserves: especially love. 

Please do not mistake me though, there are many positive qualities that Ma Mere positve that she has also instilled upon me: acceptance, thankfulness, adventurousness, and passion just to name a few. 

6 & 5 My Sisters

Being the baby of three girls means that I have had two big sisters to mimic for the last 24.75 years. Being 18 + years younger than them means that I've had the space to define what from each of them I admire most. 

Niesie has a joy that radiates from the inside out- she will probably tell you its Jesus and she's probably right (they are after all in the ministry). You can tell she's just got that special something and that draws people to her, makes them comfortable, makes them feel loved. She is kind and generous and will reach out to anyone who needs her. 

Her singing voice is what first turned my eye to music and pushed me to excellance  throughout my performing years. Even 20 years apart I was competing with her, always striving to be better than she was- the best part? Even if I was, even if I am -she would never have seen it as a competition, she never would have been envious- she would have been proud. I long to posess those qualities and I think  if I fully could I would be a much better person. 

Diana of course has always been present in my life- but it hasn't been until the past few years that I've grown to recognize what we have in common and just how she has influenced me. Diana too, is kind and generous to those she meets. Above all else though- Diana is cheerful and helpful and optomistic.  I rarely hear her complain about a thing- if the going gets tough Diana gets going and that's the attitude I find myself trying to take to- although I have to admit- though I get going- I also get compleining- but at least I'm going! I find that I also  have Diana's eye for detail- while its great in most areas of life, I hate to tell ya if you have  a teeny stain on your white shirt, your skirt is covered in lint, or you have lipstick on your teeth- we're going to notice it- but at least we'll find a polite, non threatening way to tell you so that you may fix the problem- we'll probably even offer you the Tide pens, lint rollers, and mirrors from our own purses to  get you back on track! 

4. Bombshells

They are my style icons. Some people like Audrey - but I'm more of a Marilyn Monroe, Betty Grable, Mae West kind of girl. I find that there is much to be mimicked from the gals of this era from manor of dress to attitudes towards men to how they conduct business ( in le bubblebath of course). For those of you with inner bombshells I recommend The Bombshell Manual of Style By: Laren Stover- AKA The Bible. I feel that this influence relates back to the first..... its all about the manor in which I would like to be perceived. 

3. My Papaw

He is the reason I am where I am today. It was his later life that led me down the path to the career that I am in. As a junior in high school I was nearby when my papaw began to decline. In just a few short months he went from his own apartment, to a nursing home, to my mom's home. It was at this time my mother and I became his primary care givers. It soon became my responsibility to take him to doctor's appointments and on shopping trips. When he fell sick again and revisited the nursing home I got a job there to be near him (and well you know make some extra paper) it was through my time at the nursing home and with my grandpa that I became interested in the study of gerontology and began taking classes just "for fun' in this field. Little did I know that somehow this would meld with my creative background to lead me to my career. Papaw passed away when I was a junior in college but I'm sure that he would be so proud of where I am today. I have to say its been awhile since I've taken the time to reflect on this and I'm suddenly very sad that he's not here to share in my life changes of late. 

2. Denise Harrison Women's Studies Professor

There were lots of things I appreciated about this woman. She was bold she expected a lot and she was going to push you until she got it. She respected that in her students as well and once commended me on my ability to bring the class back together through my writing when I spoke out about another classmate who broke the classes confidentiality agreement by making our list serv public to a friend, calling us all stupid, and accidentally posting it for everyone to read. Denise Harrison already had my attention- but then one day while we discussed a film we watched based on a same-sex couple, she remarked that as her children were growing up she never assumed that either of them would be straight or gay or made any inclination as to which she would prefer as a mother- she simply spoke about love as something that occurs between two people and let their lives  run theircourses. I respected that immensly and it further cemented my views on homosexuality and same sex marriage. Just in case there is any doubt I beleive in acceptance- not tolerance, and say yes to legalizing love. 

 To this day hold that pearl of wisdom from a professor I only had one semmester; close to me in the jewelery box engraved motherhood for when it is my duty to guide my children through matters of the heart. 

1. The Ex That Took The Cake Vrs. The One and ONLY Bennyboo (PS Bennyboo WINS!)

I don't talk about him here- or really anywhere anymore. He doesn't deserve it. But it is important to note that there is a man who I once gave my heart to that didn't deserve it. At his best he was romantic, open minded, and artistic. At his worst he was hateful, venomous, and abusive- physically abusive. He could twist beautiful words into nasty phrases that shattered my spirit and three+ years of my life. Not to mention he beat the crap out of me once and that kind of sucked too. He was a loud presence in my life who long after our demise screamed hateful words into my heart. I became bitter and hateful. Unable to give an inch in my relationships always demanding attention and respect and a certain distance from the full gift of my heart.

And Bennyboo, my sweet Bennyboo quietly stood in the spilled blood of my past relationship, treading lightly over damaged skin, yet strongly asserting his presence in my life. He stood beside me, he held me up, he showed me what it was to really be loved- with no ulterior motives, no agenda- he just accepted me- even after I had been wounded. Though I will never say he rescued me ( I feel that the abused can only truly rescue themselves lest they will always remain the abused) he did push me to be stronger, not to be a victim, and to let go of control all over again - surrender to the love, his love that I deserved.  

If I faltered (and I did falter), he gave me the figurative butt whoopin' that I needed to get over my shit and move on it wasn't always pretty but it was often just what I needed to knock my off the pedastal that no woman in a relationship belongs on.  My Bennyboo stood in a shadow for a long time- patiently encouraging my growth as a person, as a woman but he never let me forget that he was there. It wasn't until I had finally learned that it wasn't all about me, my past, my pain that he could fully step out of the cold shadows of my past and our relationship could fully bloom. I am so lucky and so blessed to be in the spring time of our relationship- and thoughI know winter will come from time to time- I also know we've created a shelter to weather it in together.

With Love,

Miss Amber Lane

Give Yourself a Break Kid

I'm in one of those moods right now where, if I allowed myself, I could totally pick my self - no scratch that- MY ENTIRE LIFE to shreds and Mexican Hat Dance on the remains.

Perhaps this has something to do with my 6am wake up and 6:45 departure for my meeting. Perhaps it has even more to do with my looming visit from Auntie F- which may be the reason why I devoured the saltiest, chocolaty- est food possible today making that the third possible reason for my desire for self defamation at the given moment.

I'm not going to do it though - I'm not going to do it.

While finishing my winter/summer clothing change over before bed- I am not going to try on any more "skinny day" pants and push on my little muffin top from too much sodium intake aka PMB (pre-menstrual bloat).

I'm not going to stare at my bare legs and berate myself for not shaving everyday or be pissy because I sport scars from my days of hardcore outdoor play as a child.

I am not going to grump about getting rid of most of my summer clothes because I believe a lady of my age and profession (and bust size and soon-to-be changing marital status) needs to cover up, up top a bit more and show a little less hiney - not to mention that some of the tops I'm putting in the Goodwill bin, I've had since freshman year in college- AND I'm not going to feel sad because I haven't had the time/money to overhaul since that time.

I'm not going to stare at my dark roots in the mirror and curse Saturday's cut and color for being so far away.

I'm not going to do it.


NO MORE!

Instead, I'm going to finish my episode of Sex & The City, grab a nice tall glass of ice water, and take my ass to bed thinking I'm nothing other than the fabulous, intelligent, hot, woman that I am.

And that's alls I gots to say about that.

Just A Quick Note

I hate traveling for work when said travel is to two + hours long, it must be driven alone, and sleepy bombshells must arrive prior to 9am - fighting rush hour traffic and her tendencies to got lost/frustrated/ anxious when going some place new by her lonesome.

Business calls Wednesday- I have to travel 2+ hours to a meeting that only runs from 9am- 1pm and then drive 2 + hours back- what does it tell you when the travel lasts as long as the meeting- it means its a waste of time and money. I'm just saying.

Not to mention in order to achieve prompt arrival I'm going to have to get up at like 5:30 in the morning.

Not a fan.

End.

8 Things Game

I wasn't technically tagged but Memphis Mama tagged anyone who wanted to play and I did so here it is:

The 8 Game

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:
Shawdee's visit this weekend for wedding planning fun (and just plan fun)!!!!
Becoming Mrs. Ben Smith in June of 2010!!!
Registering for gifts!!!
Swimming this summer and tanning!!!
Having my hair colored in the coming week!!!
The Sims 3 coming out this June - yep I'm flying my nerd flag
Shawdee having a big announcement to make next month!
Having boudoir pictures taken

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
Went to work
Ate at Applebees
Cocktails with Bennyboo
Slept with our bedroom windows open
Watched Wife dvrd Wife Swap
Flat ironed my hair
Blogged
PMS'd


8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

Have a budget-less wedding
Go on a nice long vacation somewhere amazing
Buy a brand new car, wardrobe, etc.
Fast forward to next June
Ballroom Dance like a pro.
Work only when I want to (yeah- like that would ever happen)
Travel any time I want to
Speak another language fluently

8 Shows I Watch
Desperate Housewives
Greys Anatomy
Ugly Betty
Samantha Who
The Girls Next Door
How I Met Your Mother
The Big Bang Theory
Dancing With The Stars

(and SOOOOOOO many more)

I tag anyone who wants to play!

The Woes of Being a Woman

Isn't it lovely how once a month your body totally turns on you. 

Your body feels like jell-o, the color of your skin seems to sallow, and you swear to god that one boob has swollen up to the size of a watermelon while the other shrinks up in defeat.

Your clothes fit a bit tighter, the untoned parts of your body seem to be extra untoned, tiny white stretch marks usually unnoticed appear to darken and appendages ache just enough to irritate you but not enough to really warrant complaining. 

Things that you normally wouldnt give a thought to make you want to scream, your frisky as hell but your sig. other annoys the life out of you just by being present, and a night at home in sweat pants sounds a hell of a lot better than buttoning your jeans and leaving the house. 

That's right my friends- its PMS and it sucks. 

I feel about 0% good about myself right now. Its a good thing I'm off tomorrow and Bennyboo is making me go out drinking.... that should help the blown up like a balloon feeling.

Riiiiight.

Goodnight.

Rainy Sunday

Its a dreary, rainy day in the Natti. Very much unlike yesterday when the sun was shining and the temps. were lovely and in the low 70s.

Yesterday after work I drove full speed ahead to the home front with windows down and the sun streaming through the windows. Ben and I had a "home cooked" meal at a local eatery then came home and vegged on the couch before Ben went out with friends to B-Dubs to watch the UFC fight and I climbed up to bed because as I mentioned earlier- I work this weekend.

I am manager-ing on duty by sitting at my desk and blogging - such a responsible professional!

Amiright?

Ok- actually I am on my lunch break so I guess I am a little bit responsible.

Tomorrow I am off and plan to spend time doing laundry and meeting with potential DJs for our wedding.

We are still interviewing photographers as well but they are giving me the biggest headache so I have decided to try tackling something a little less outlandishly priced and that I won't regret forever if I chose the wrong one.

The Dj sucks? Kick him out and hook up your IPod.

The photographer sucks? Tell your kids and grandkids sorry that you don't have any wedding photos to show them but your overpriced photographer wouldn't sell you the rights to the pictures and they charged to much for prints.

Ugh!

I have made some fantastic and inexpensive decisions however.

A#1: One of my bffs and bridesmaids: Rachel (aka Shawdee) and I were doing some on-line research and chatting via AIM (Shawdee is in Louisiana) and we came up with a fab DIY program that we are hopefully going to do a mock up of next weekend during Shawdee's visit. Pictures of the on-line example are forth-coming.

A#2: I've decided that I am also going to design our guest book myself. Either by using the fantastic resources made available at our local Archivers or by using this fantastic website! There, we can use our own pictures to publish a hard back keepsake book for our guests to sign- much better than some fancy, over priced book that would surely get shoved in a drawer somewhere and cheaper than having your photographer put one together. I'm also thinking of using this company to make my attendants something special.

So you see, progress does get made even if I complain about how stressed I am about certain aspects of things.

I am not a bridezilla ladies I assure you, the thing is: I'm a planner: in personality and by profession and I like my projects always to be in constant motion-even if sometimes that means I'm simply sitting and visualizing things on paper ( I think of it as a means to alleviate stress).
I am very familiar with planning events because thats a big part of my profession. The biggest difference is- this time I'm doing it with my own money- and honey it is not in abundance. So forgive me if I become redunandt and never seem to be able to post about anything other than the wedding and PLEASE those of you who have been through this process before- feel free to solicit advice - I welcome and love it!

Anyway- lunch over. Gotta run!

Kisses!

Miss Amber Lane