A Time To Celebrate-A Time To Whine

So today my best friend announced that she is engaged. 

He proposed last night in a non cerimonious way---but none-the-less engaged they are.

I'm happy for her because she is happy. She said tonight whilst we were sprawled across their bed discussing dates, bridesmaids dresses, and colors -that she is ready to be married, ready to be a wife, and to start a family (she also said she wanted to break bread-to which I asked her if she wanted to be Jesus and if every night would be like the last supper in her house) so I know that she is ready and that she is happy and very excited. 

On the other hand however- and you knew I was going to say it- I have an undeniable pang of .... I don't know what it is really--frustration, envy, loss, left out-edness ( I know there is no such word). I feel like my life just isn't progressing- with the exception of adding more cats to our home---(is it possible to become the crazy cat lady if you live with your boyfriend? Does the testosteron negate the cats?).  I'm ready for those things too....but it seems that he will never be----we will be together 5 years in February and I've known since about month 6 that what Ben and I have is special--and we've proved that we are....but how should it make me feel after just KNOWING for so long---that he's still not sure enough about me? 

I don't know. What I do know is that I sound like a big whiner. So I'm going to go. 

Just having a quiet moment with Rennie. She had found herself a comfy spot. ( : Happy Sunday!

Fuuuuuuuuck.

So last week I received a love letter in the mail from my dear friend, The Federal Government aka: Direct Loan Servicing Center, announcing that in June the "economic hardhip" deferment (aka I'm out of college and still don't have a job mercy break)which I requested prior to this job when I was making a meager $11.25 an hour at a thankless job, will be coming to a screeching halt and I will be forced to resume making payments. Not that this tidbit isn't disheartening enough-but they have also decided based on my income (gross, not net) that I can afford $300.00 a month in payments!

WTF Mate?

This is without even calculating my other expenses- not even the very basic ones such as rent, utilities, or gas.

In a nutshell my monthly living expenses are as follows:

$165-every two weeks for my car payment...(yes I bought there paid there in college and am paying for it royally now)= $330
$300= rent split with Ben
$150= utilities split with Ben
$184= car insurance
$200= gas
$150 = food
$ 81= credit card
$100= other lower limit credit cards
$50= Alternative Student Loan
$1545.00 a month

Let's see- I net about $900 every two weeks (not bad-not great). Meaning I bring home about 1800.00 a month

1800- 1545= 245........WHERE THE FUCK IS $300 DOLLARS COMING FROM TO PAY THEM?!?!

Oh- and here's the kicker- I am JUST NOW eligible for health benefits...so what happens when they start taking those out too?

I mean seriously- I went to college to make more money...while other friends went to trade school or started working right out of the shoot and have worked their way to almost the same pay that I started at- yet they don't have college debt. So where's the trade off? Why did I go to college?

If DLS doesn't allow me to make changes to my loan payment amount I will not only not have money to pay them back but also won't ever be able to buy new clothes, shoes, underwear, toiletries- not even the essentials- but also won't be able to service my car, pay for repairs, have an emergency, plan a wedding, buy a house, get married, have a baby---nothing! Where is the break down here?

Before I freak too much I'm going to go- maybe I should call DLS before I have a hissy fit- they HAVE to change this- how else would it work?

And I also have to pose the question- if Ben and I didn't live together and split rent and utilities how would I even live?

GULP.

Being Happy For Others

This week brought with it the birth of a beautiful baby girl to one of my dear friends: One Miss Julie Adams. Almost one year to the date that her wedding was called off by her reluctant fiance, Julie welcomed Jaylen Faith a gift bestowed upon her by her rebound lover a deadbeat thirty something who for lack of a more sophisticated term: sucks. 

I journeyed north west to  visit the blessed child in the town of my college alma mater yesterday at the home of Julie's parents. The visit was short and surprisingly awkward as Julie's c-section merited the use of percoset and she was aptly under its influence. I brought a gift that sat still- wrapped at the foot of her recliner through the entirety of my visit, held the baby who was bundled tight in a soft pink blanket- chubby cheeks lightly flushed and making those precious baby noises that make even the most child-cynic female yern for preocreation, made polite chit-chat with lurking family members-who were not worthy of the "polite" part (more on that in a moment), then politely excused myself claiming that I was concerned that Julie get all the rest she needs. And baby, I was gone. 

I left feeling as though I could cry at a moment and it wasn't because I was overcome with joy for my friend. It was more a feeling of loss. Sitting in that living room with my friend of 7 years I felt insignficant. It didn't really matter that I was there, or what I had to say. It didn't matter how far I came to be there or any of the history she and I had as friends. It was all about Julie's life change, Julie's history, Julie's baby. 

PAUSE.

Now I know this sounds like I'm jealous of the baby- and believe me I DO think these things should be celebrated and that my friends deserve the attention but I also think its important to acknowledge that those of us who aren't celebrating a marriage or a baby still have feelings and  accomplishments worth celebration too---but these things pale in the shining glory of all the weddings and baby showers-whilst at the same time we are  mourning the loss of friends who are trading in bars and bed hopping for bling and baby bjorns. I think what I'm trying to say is: its a lot harder than I ever would have dreamed to be on the "losing" side of the domestic bliss hurddle. 

I'm tired of losing girl's nights out because my gf's can't part with new bfs. I'm tired of blowing hundreds of dollars on shower presents, flowers, cards, balloons, outfits, penis gifts, bridesmaids dresses, hair appointments, etc, etc, etc for friends who are so wrapped up in their life choices to even remember to buy me a shot on my birthday- or for that matter even show up to the bar.  It's EXHAUSTING to celebrate each and every milestone in each and every friend's lives when no one celebrates yours. What if I never get married or have babies (not saying I don't want to- just what if I don't) does that mean no one ever has to celebrate me? 

I know that Carrie Bradshaw went through this in season 6 with the stolen strappy sandals- to which she remedied the situation by marrying herself and registering at Manolo Blahnik- but this is a real-to-life dilemma- when married/babified friends fail to acknowledge that single friend's lives,jobs, new homes, promotions are just as important in a different respect as husbands and babies it just leaves one feeling, well, in my case: petulant, spoiled, frustrated, and at times mayhaps even a little, dare I say it? Left out. 

Hmph. Admitting that is like swallowing a martini full of broken glass but I suppose its the adult thing to do. 

Now I know that Julie is probably catching the brunt of this simply because I have endured  a seemingly endless string of engagement announcements, bridal showers, weddings, and pregnancies over the last year. She is my friend, Nothing will change that. I just felt like these things I've been thinking were worth noting and I'm sure that I'm not alone on this. 

Alright...before I sound even more like a spoiled brat I bid you farewell.

Tonight I'm Feeling: Petulant, spoiled, frustrated, and left out. 

Today is a day in which I can rejoice!

Today our area manager announced that our executive director is hitting the road! he tried to put a positive spin on the change stating that RM (aka exec. direct) has done all that she can do in our community and she is moving on to another community to continue flipping communities. We all know that she has been relocated because her "rule with an iron fist" , non compassionate, micro- management style has torn our coordinator team apart.

I honestly could not be happier.

Viva la transition!

Now Project Runway!

Miss Amber Lane

The Source of My Anxiety

I'm not at all ashamed to admit that the source of my "anxiety" - if that's what it is that I'm suffering from, is none other than the fault of my bf. Imagine being 4 years + into a relationship and knowing full well that you would be completely happy spending the rest of your life with that person, only to have them tell you that they don't think they EVER want to get married....to anyone....EVER. But their not sure so hold on tight as they drag your ass around for another X amount of years. But imagine being the dumb ass that lets that happen. That agrees to house hunt with him, move into this house (when its all finalized) and to still dream that maybe his love for you will outlast the bull shit that's keeping him from saying he doesn't ever want to get married. Imagine that you have seen good friends meet guys, fall in love, be proposed to, and get married all in less than the time that you've been with your significant other and how much that feels like a kick in the face every time you think about it and that after the better part of five years he's still not sure about you and there you have the perfect recipe for a quarter life crisis and thus my anxiety. I love him, I really do. And I'm sure about him- but I'm ready for the next phase of life.

I know its supposed to be very modern to not marry until mid thirties and focus on your career and all that bruhaha but I'm a little more old fashioned than that. I want to get married, I want to have kids and I don't want to be approaching forty when I do. And although it may insult some for me to say this but I don't think I could sustain this relationship knowing that marriage and a family is NEVER an option. Why should I have to compromise my heart's desire when it means so much to me? And then again why should he?

My final word on this matter for tonight is simply this; when it comes to nearly all issues of the heart in love and relationships, compromise is generally the way to go. In regards to this matter however, there will be no compromise. If our opinions and desires defer here we WILL go our separate ways- not in bitterness ( I hope) but because our lives just took two different paths. It's sad, I know. But I don't know how much longer I can hold out for the unknown. How long do you give a man to decide your the one? Especially when you feel that this is the very reason why at times you begin to pull away?

I don't know the answers to these questions yet but I do know I'll follow my heart in the end.

This post just further proves that I need to stay away from Theknot.com

Sigh

G'night

Miss Amber Lane

I Am Tired

My least favorite phrase right now is, "You are too young to be tired."

Exuse' Moi?

I'm too young to be tired? Well- great! Thank you so much for telling me that I'm too young to be tired. Now I can really focus on what's important and apparently sleep is not one of those things. Gosh, can you imagine how much more I will be able to accomplish in a single day, week, month now that I know I can eliminate sleep from my schedule?!?! It will be fantastic!

Bullshit.

That little gem comes from one of the concierges at my place of employment whom has taken note on more than one occasion that I am frequently tired.

"You're always tired. Your too young to be tired."

Oh ok. I've had one day off in a 14 day span- of which I spent cleaning my house (while pissing around intermittently) I am working a job that requires one coordinator (moi) and one assistant of which I haven't had in over a week now. I don't have enough time to even stop for lunch during the day so the first time I eat on any given day is around 7:30. On top of that I commute 45 minutes to and from work which is a taxing experience all on its own----plus I haven't had a vacation since college---and I don't mean going somewhere---I mean more than two or three days where my presence is not required at work. Plus even when I was still in college I worked full time + some + a full course load + an internship....and I don't have the right to be tired. You can kiss my lilly white ass!

And I love how this bit of wisdom comes from an employee who works part time and whose job is performed 95% of the time while sitting on her duff. I loathe how the old (er) feel that they are the only ones entitled to being tired. Its just like when my papaw used to tell me I was too young for headaches- oh ok papaw tell that to my throbbing head.

Grrr.

Breathe and reboot.

I know I sound grouchy but really today was not an unpleasant day. Business as usual on the work front with an added meeting for our area manager to tell all the coordinators how much our team members hate us- well not so much me seeing how as I've only been there four months and until I have a new assistant I don't have any staff that reports directly to me just staff who are assigned to my scheduled activities. Honestly I'm glad our team members have negative things to say- it tells me I'm not crazy or judgmental for thinking that some members of the coordinator team are A: unprofessional B: two faced. Maybe this is the start of something good- or at least better. For the most part though I'm not worried about the other coordinators. I worry about the residence that I serve and creating activity programming that will enrich their lives. That's first for me. So I try to focus my energies on that and the rest melts away.

I'm just endlessly amazed at how much drama and juvenile horse hockey there is in the "adult world"- I'm beginning to think that there is no "adult world" just an older version of high school. Am I alone here or do others see that as well?

After work I picked up the bf from his respective place of employment and we went to the grocery to pick up a few weekly necessaries such as milk, eggs, and bread. I tried to convince the bf that chocolate silk pie made with love by Sara Lee was a necessary but no luck.

Came home, made dinner, watched dvr'dJon and Kate, painted toe nails, cleaned "my room" (aka the guest room that we still haven't gotten a bed for that houses my vanity, my dresser, my bureau, and a closet full of my clothes + my tv/dvd/ seasons of Girls Next Door and Sex & The City thus making it "my room") then came downstairs to play on blogger while the bf finished up a rousing game of Madden 09 and here I am.

Tomorrow is work as usual. In the afternoon I am taking the residents on a boat tour --- I'm not sure if I will actually ride the boat with them or not---I'm going through a phase right now where I become quite uncomfortable when I am faced with a situation that I am not in control of: social groups of people I don't know, meetings, riding as passenger in a car and I'm sure in a boat too. I start getting anxious and when I start getting anxious I start getting nauseous. I'm planning to see a doctor once the new job insurance kicks in (hello September 1st)...I'm sure he's going to tell me exactly what my mom's been telling me for three months now, "its just nerves, a lot changing all at once- you need to learn how to let go of things you can't control" but maybe he'll at least supplement the diagnoses with some Adavan candy. (Note: I am not a pill popper but I can't let this annoying ailment prevent me from living my life- my fear of getting anxious is affecting how I decide what to do on the weekend, if I will travel to visit friends, or even if I will go see a movie it HAS to STOP!). Now that all of that has been said- the residents are going on a boat ride and that should have us back by 4pm and (gasp) I will actually get to leave at a descent time tomorrow....not like it matters I'm already into overtime- all I can say is thank God I'm not salary- I would have to take a long walk off a short pier.

Alright well its after 11- my bed time and I think I heard the bf exit the shower so I'm going to head up and try to finagle a good back scratch (I'm only a little spoiled ( ; )

Goodnight,

Miss Amber Lane