Tears aren' t rare in these parts

Dear Friends,

I am completely overwhelmed with sadness. My life has turned into a giant mess. I have helped turn it into a giant mess. I wake up in the morning with nervous butterflies in my stomach - if I really think about anything for too long - I become terrified. I am never sure of anything. I doubt my intelligence, my abilities, my appearance, my friendships.
My life revolves around attempting to look like I am myself- like I am normal, like I still have a normal life. Like I don't have a (pseudo) ex husband who threatens to "expose" me, like I don't have a friend/turned land lord/ turned arch enemy who is making my life a living hell. I try to look like I know where I'll be living this time next month, in 2 weeks, this time next week - I try to look like the ground isn't crumbling beneath my feet with every step I take.
I am failing at this. All of these things are happening- and more that I don't even want to talk about here.
I am surrounded by people who love and care about me - yet I have NEVER felt more alone and isolated in my entire life.
I know that I can't really tell you anything - but think of me, pray for me, pray that someday very soon I come out of all the messes that I have made or at least helped to make. Pray that I don't lose my mind in the meantime, pray that it all works out for the best and that eventually I will become the best Amber that I can become and that this isn't just the beginning of a life time of misery.

I need help.

I just don't know where to get it.

I am lost.

I want to find myself and I never ever want to lose me again.

Are there signs from God

I am at a crossroads.

I am staring down the gauntlet.

I am scared to death to choose. I am scared to death of not choosing.

I cry almost everyday.

I pray but I think I'm only half-assing it.

Does God still listen if you say swear words when you pray? I hope so ... otherwise ... I'm fucked.

I can't stop hurting the people that I love.

Mostly I keep hurting myself by trying to please everyone, by trying not to hurt anyone.

I am not this girl - but I'm not the girl that I was before either.

Its terrifying to come to a place in your life where you have NO IDEA who you are at all - and what you want, and you wake up to realize that you no longer have a clue what true happiness feels like anymore and its Jewel said, "somehow your standard of living got stuck on survive".

I know this is cryptic - if you only knew how many blog posts I've started but couldn't bring myself to finish for fear of exposing myself too much in a critical time in my life- maybe someday when it all comes out in the wash - and I'm me again - I'll publish them all.

This morning I went into my Starbucks at Kroger - I visit there almost every morning. I was paying for my iced coffee when the barista asked me if I wanted to scan my Kroger plus card- I told her no - and when she asked why I simply told her - divorce (though after 8 months we are still not leglaly...anything different than husband and wife) - Ben and I have actually argued over our Kroger plus fuel points because we've still been using the same Kroger card account. The barista; a small African woman somewhere in her 60s came from behind the counter and opened her arms to me for a hug- which I accepted- and it wasn't a half ass .."there, there" "pat,pat" hug - it was geuine and warm and all she said was,  "it is well, everything is in the Lord's hands and it will be well".... I almost burst into tears- but I've done that too much lately so I thanked her and sipped my coffee and went on about my morning.... but I can't help but wonder - could that be the sign I've been asking God for? Is that my sign that its time to stop toeing the line and finally jump over?

Sigh.

Only thing I know for sure... this has got to stop.

Dear Blogger

I miss blogging.

Not just blogging ... but blogging about NOTHING. I miss logging in and typing a blog chock full of pictures from my weekend and purchases I made and how I lost weight this week and blah, blah, blah. Posts like that are much more fun than the ones I've shared lately ... but I haven't made any fun purchases lately
( I bought a new hard drive for my laptop and paid an outrageous energy bill - does that count?) and I certainly haven't lost weight - my biggest work out this week was running after a 14 month old and a 10 month old on Saturday afternoon (although my quads are burning and my arms ache like I've been lifting weights lol)  so.... ce'st la vie ... life is different now... posts are bound to be different too.

Fact of the matter is - I'm sick of my life revolving around the dramz of a divorce and all that it entails ... I'm ready to bring this thing to a close and be able to talk about life again ... actually living life and I am ACTUALLY LIVING LIFE its just I'm getting used to new normals and it sucks the energy for blogging right out of this child.

Here I am now though - so how about a weekend update?

This weekend I was off on Friday and Saturday and was Manager on Duty at work Sunday.
Friday I slept in until about 11:30 then ran errands while the bf went to class. When I got home I did laundry and mopped the floors because by 6:30 the bf's little girl was scooching around in her pjs being adorable and I didn't want her knees to collect dust and paw prints. We spent the evening with her then picked up dinner from IHop to eat at home after dropping her back off to her mom.

Saturday was all about working on the new/old SUV. The bf works on cars as a hobby and about a week ago he snagged an older Explorer for a steal and has been fixing it up. My friend Megan's husband also knows a little something about cars so Saturday morning after the bf picked up the baby for the afternoon the 3 of us went over to Megan's to get some work done on the vehicle. The boys worked on the vehicle I hung out with the babies....yes plural...Megan was at work and with her husband helping work on the SUV someone had to keep an eye on Miss Shelby - so I hung out with the girls and let the boys spend time with a fuel pump in the cold, windy January air. It was a lot of work keeping up with the girls but also a lot of fun - I took a lot of adorable pics of the two together but I'm not comfortable posting any of the bf's daughter without consent - especially since I do not know or have a relationship with her mother - so while I may blurb a snippet here or there about how adorable she is - I won't be disclosing her name or any photos of her - I think thats the appropriate and respectful thing to do.

After about 4 hours on the SUV and with babies -we were all exhausted so we headed for home. The baby napped and we talked about dinner plans for after she went back to her mom - we decided on an old Italian place thats been in business for about 75 years - the food was phenomenal - the service was lousy. Can't win em' all I guess lol. I fell asleep on the couch watching The Expendables and that ended my weekend.

Sunday was work followed by chicken wings, keno, and the pro bowl at a local bar.

Now its Monday and the dawn of a new week. Its sunny and the next couple of days are promising to be unseasonably warm for January in southern Ohio so I'm hoping it lifts the winter blahs for the masses and everyone is in good moods for the week.

This week I have a hair appt (finally -ladies I made one for a week ago Saturday and it got cancelled thanks to an ice storm) its been since the first week in November that I had my hair done and I NEED IT - I'm also ready to start lightening back up ... brown hair was fun for awhile but its just not me! I also have a meeting with my lawyer ...but that's not fun stuff so enough of that for now! 

Hope everyone is well and has a great week! Before we know it spring will be here and with the flowers will bloom new beginnings - hope you're all as excited for that as I am!

Much Love!

January 16th 2012 - How My Life is Different Now

1. My hair is brown

2. I have a new dog. Olive passed away after having a couple of massive seizures in December – it was heartbreaking. Christmas eve the new beau took me to meet a family who raises beagle basset mixes and he bought me Holly to bring home and love.

RIP Little Pug Princess

Meet Holly

3. I have gained 6 lbs back from the 5 I lost when I was so distraught all the time I could barely eat. While its bothered me a little bit I’ve learned its happiness weight.

4. BTW the “new beau’s” name is Lee. We are the EXACT same age. Both born August 8th 1984. We met early in August at a spot we both frequented. Just conversationally we got to talking about our birthdays and discovered we had the same one – we did not exchange numbers, we did not flirt, I don’t think either of us thought anything much about the other until a month later on a Wednesday night we ran into each other again somewhere entirely different – he remembered me – I did not remember him until he said, “You’re the girl with the same birthday as me” – then I remembered. My marriage was already in shambles at this time but I am at the point where I feel comfortable saying that I pushed it over the edge after I met Lee.

Me and my guy at Sam's bday party in late November

5. It was a very quick move but we decided we didn’t want to spend any more nights apart so we now share the 3 bedroom rental house.

6. I stay up until 1am instead of going to bed at 10 pm simply because I’m bored as I did in my old life. Because I am happy and less stressed I don’t feel nearly as tired as I frequently did then.

7. On that same note on the weekends I sleep in until I wake up on my own. This means that once or twice I’ve slept until 2pm and didn’t even bother to feel guilty about it.

8. I don’t go out nearly as much as I did when my marriage was ending – I definitely don’t drink as much wine. Maybe a glass or two a week. I’m content to rent a handful of movies and snuggle up on the couch these days.

9. I feel like its ok to dream again. So often the dreams I had in my past life were crushed by the unwillingness of my spouse to help me realize those dreams: several vacations, the desire for children and a home that we could be proud of …. I realize now that we wanted different things out of our lives. I feel like those are once again realistic dreams – not just because I’m with someone who will dream with me but because I know I’m strong enough to remove myself from unfavorable situations and make the choices I need to make in order to be happy.

10. I spend a lot of time with a 13 month old little girl. Lee has a daughter. A beautiful, sweet, smart little girl whom he adores – not gonna lie – she’s stolen my heart too.

11. I’ve learned I’m not perfect and I need to chill the fuck out every once in a while.

12. I’ve also learned that normal is a relative term. My normal is different than yours. Our normal is different than theirs and no one way is necessarily the right way.

13. I’m really working on not being so critical of myself and in turn not being so critical of everyone else in my life. Sometimes I need to take the blame for things – I’m not perfect- am never going to be perfect. I’m working on accepting my short-comings and moving on- because the way I view myself can and does affect my relationships with others.

14. I’ve actually left my house to go to dinner in a hoody, sans makeup, wearing gym shoes. Those of you who don’t know me IRL probably have no idea how big of a deal this is but trust me … its epic. I’ve always prided myself on looking “perfect” at all times – perhaps it’s because when I was heavy it was my way of “hiding” (in therapy they call this a breakthrough) I’m learning to be ok with myself – just as I am.

15. I used to think that I wasn't a snuggle sleeper that is until I fell for someone who is - if ever there is a night that I don't feel his arms around me - things just don't feel right to me.

16. I realized that since I started eating so healthy- I'm not a very good cook anymore. I've subbed out so much of the yummy fattening stuff that my food is boring and bland to those who prefer not to eat that way. I'm researching a middle ground... cause even though I call it "happy weight" 6 lbs is ENOUGH!

17. I'm happy. Undeniably happy. Things aren't always easy - definitely never perfect but there is freedom in truth and now that I'm being completely honest with myself and everyone in my life... I am free.

Back Among the Living

I can't believe its been since the end of September - and I haven't written a word. Well, I take that back, I've partially written some posts and haven't known how to finish them or fully and eloquently explain things the way that I've wanted to so I've abandoned them half written. I apologize to those who have shown me support in the past - its not very fair of me to not update with so much going on and changing in my world. Over the years I've become virtual friends with many of you- so I'm sure that's its disarming to hear so much and then suddenly silence.

Today I am breaking the silence.

So,So, Soooooooo much has taken place since last I've written. Some terrible things have happened and some wonderful things have happened. I've had to face some cold, hard, truths about myself and my marriage I've had to pack up my visions of doing things properly and by the book and not "stepping on any toes" and for once do things the way that I feel that they need to be done in my heart. Its been hard- continues to be hard in some ways but I can say only one thing that summarizes the way I feel right now - happy. I am happy.

I don't want to look back too much so in fast forward here's what I need to share:

1. Moved out of town house in mid October - without so much as a day's notice. Things had become so ugly between Ben and myself that it was damaging both of us (and our property) to stay in the house together. One Wed. morning things were particularly out of hand - so I packed an overnight bag and headed for the door. I never spent another night in that house again. My intentions were a hotel but another door opened and I walked through it. I am now renting a 3 bedroom house and am very happy there. Of course the few weeks that Ben was still in the house with the things of mine I needed to collect I suffered considerably ... clothes on the lawn, stuff just thrown in boxes and labeled with awful, horrible names he felt he should call me etc. He was kind enough to delete all my family from his facebook but every friend of mine saw all the terrible things he posted about me all over facebook too - it was very mature.

2. Ben and I are in the process of filing for a dissolution. We have no joint assets and really no joint debt. For those not familiar- this is a much quicker and cheaper process than a divorce. Barring any complications a dissolution takes just a couple of months from start to finish and the costs are minimal.

3. This is where I need the peanut gallery to not share their opinions - this is also where I need to preface by saying THIS topic is where I've had to not allow societal expectations and doing things "perfectly" to truck me down. I am seeing a someone else. Is he the reason for the end of my marriage? No. My marriage was already in shambles when we met and the separation already started. Ben however will tell you that its added fuel to the fire and he doesn't believe that the new guy isn't the reason we are no longer together. I know that everything you will ever read and any professional you ever consult will tell you not to jump into a new relationship during a divorce - but sometimes you have to follow your heart and that's what I have done.We met when we were supposed to meet and things have grown from there. I am not planning to divulge any more about him or our relationship in this post - I'll allow you all to digest this new information all on its own. But know how great I think he is, how fun, smart, sweet, and incredibly sexy I find him to be and be happy for me for I am truly very happy.

And I'm not perfect. And I don't do everything "right" but I'm OK with that since admitting to both of those things has led me to where I am today and that's exactly where I am supposed to be.

I think that's enough for now. I'm alive. I'm well. Things certainly are different for me but everything is as it should be.

Much Love Always!

Dear 16 year-old-self

Saw this post on Jax's blog and in light of everything I've been going through lately thought it would be interesting to let my stream of consciousness flow with advice to the 16 year-old Amber. The year was 2000 I was a junior in high school and went through 2 moves and 3 high schools in the course of one school year - it was a rough year.

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

* You are OK ... matter of fact you are better than OK - you are smart and talented and you really should stop comparing yourself to other people and thinking about all the things that you don't have that you think other people do - the grass is not always greener.

* Stay away from Adam - I know he makes you feel weak in the knees and the way he kisses you melts your insides but he's nothing but trouble, he's going to destroy your view of men and relationships and cause you much emotional and physical harm for the next 3 years. And trust me - he's not going to be the last person to make you weak in the knees and melt your insides.

* Eat right! Learn what foods are truthfully good for you and how they effect your body and go with them. Lay off the McDonalds and really get your butt moving- once high school is over and your built in physical fitness is gone - you're going to really pack it on - I'm just saying.... you aren't the kind of girl who can eat whatever you want without consequence.

* Don't let your ego be so fragile. You are worthy. Don't take everything to heart and so seriously. People can be mean just for the sake of being mean and snide just because they want to cut you down a peg.

* Cherish this time with your 5 year old nephew - you'll never be this close again - and he's going to grow up so fast - you will really, really miss his younger self when your 27 and he's 16 with a girlfriend in college,and a drivers license, and a rock band.

* Look past today and tomorrow and to the future - joy comes in the morning, troubles they don't last always

* Friendship is important but expect even the longest lasting friendships to evolve and change over the course of time and life's triumphs and tribulations

* Hug your grandpa everyday and be so appreciative for everything he's done for you in your life. You will miss him forever and to this day you will dream of your grandparents home - the most consistent family home you've ever known

* Love like you've never been hurt but pay attention to whose worthy of that love and whose not. Don't fall for wolves in sheep's clothing - there are so many of them out there

* Your priorities are going to change...and then they are going to change again....and then probably again...

* Some things just weren't meant to last. If you look in the mirror one day and don't like who you see and its influenced by a relationship that you are in ....its time to know when to cut your losses

* Bleaching your own hair is never a good idea - you will later be embarrassed when you look back at pictures of your wretched self coloring jobs

* Don't give up on your dreams. Don't give up, don't back down, don't take no for an answer .... do whatever it takes to get to where you want to be...just because things naturally come easy doesn't mean you can half ass it...that only makes you mediocre.

* Go away for college. You don't belong at Miami - once again its the easiest route and when you take it you will find that you don't fit and you will spend a few years trying to make a square peg fit in a round whole and then the remaining few resenting yourself and everyone there.

* Don't have roommates - if you can live alone - you should

* Beware of black ice - you aren't invincible

* The money thing ... it does get easier but its never easy - no matter how much you have or don't have

* Don't drink more than a glass of champagne ... and that night you find yourself downing several bottles...sleep in the bathroom

* Don't look back in anger. Everything happens for a reason. In the grand scheme of things - you were supposed to do what you just did...every strand in the rope makes it stronger ... don't look at yourself as a failure just because something failed.

* Hey, when your 20 ...don't open that high limit credit card and max it out....its going to take you 7 years to pay it off....oy. For that matter don't take out any loans other than federal school loans...your're going to regret that too.

* Pay attention to warning signs and red flags in relationships...don't look past them because you want something ...and don't try to make something or someone who they are not - that will only come back to kick you in the ass.

* In college...go to class....seriously...don't be so lazy

* Don't obsess over little things on yourself. I get it - your a perfectionist - but honey you aren't ever going to be perfect.

* Don't get distracted while driving and plow into the back of an army grade jeep....disaster

* Stop looking for what's next - live in the moment and enjoy life. Also stop expecting it to look a certain way...it never does and it never will

* Your only going to improve with age...

Sweet 16

Tumultuous(?) 27

Now I only wonder what my 38 year old self will tell my 27 year old self..... I'm sure a lot!

Now That The Band Aid is Off....

I felt it was only right to return fairly quickly and share a bit more - I'm thankful to those who commented on my last post - knowing that you are out there - thinking of me is so very helpful - I feel very supported through you, through my family and friends, even through my colleagues at work - that is making this much easier for me. Honestly I was expecting judgement, people to tell me I wasn't trying hard enough, that I hadn't given my marriage enough effort, love, attention - something...but that hasn't been the case.
Honestly, those closest to me have told me that they aren't entirely surprised - which kind of blows the lid off my whole world - ya think you could have  shared that with me?!!? I guess that's not really their place though - its just so interesting to me that people could see what we were blind to.

So how am I?

I'm good. I'm surprisingly good. I feel ... relieved. I felt like I was faking what should have been something I was elated over and now I don't have to anymore.

 I love Ben ... I do. I care greatly for him, and what happens to him - but things have changed between us- had changed maybe even before we got married - but one tends to become blinded by expectations, and wedding plans, and the dream of what your future together will be like. I never had a moment of cold feet before our wedding - but looking back I realize that I was all business.

I was planning and financing and DIY projecting - I was working out and working and busy ... it never even occurred to me to stop and think - and why would I have thought I "needed to". I had been with the man 5 years before we got engaged- of course we were supposed to get married - what was there to think about?

Sigh.

There were things to think about.

Perhaps the fact that I had told him just months before we got engaged that if he didn't commit to me soon - I was leaving -I don't consider it a true ultimatum - it was just a fact - if he never saw marriage to me- eventually we would have to end. So I've always considered my proposal more of a business deal - which sucks the fun right out of it.

Perhaps that when we moved in together years before - I basically moved my stuff in on him and he pointed that out time and time again - as well as the fact that he wanted me there to help pay for things - not because he wanted me around all the time - which of course he never ACTUALLY said - but I'm sharp - I understand sub-text.

And there are other things...but I'm not going to be specific about those - if it were solely my dirty laundry - I would air it ... but its not and I'm not going to smear him.

The truth is .. I'm not perfect either. I have flaws and faults and I've not been the best person to him at all times - especially in the last 6 months. Just another sign that what is happening right now - this separation - needs to happen.

So now what?

I am looking at an apartment on Saturday - if it shows well ...I am planning to make it my home early in November. The location and price are right - its going to be much smaller than I am used to (and the worst part is no laundry on site at all...) but how much space do I really need at this juncture...the space I need is figurative - not literal - I need space to breathe and think and determine what it is that I want from my future and I want Ben to have the same thing - because whether he realizes it yet or not - he needs this too.

I know that I am doing the right thing because I feel free. Not that I was a prisoner or miserable the entire time but I feel like myself again...I can write here because I'm not trying to fake a happy marriage through pictures and sweet words, I can be honest about how I'm feeling here and in real life, I can stop pretending. There is so much relief in that for me - you have no idea.

Is this absolutely the end of my marriage?

I can't answer that right now. Who knows what the future holds for us ... but for the first time in a long time - I actually am ready to find out.

It won't be long before you hear from me again.

I've reclaimed my voice.

Amber