Oh Honey, Just Let Your Heart Ache

It is no mystery to blogger that my last several posts have been filled with uncertainty and heartache - even if they have been quite vague. I've clued my readers (those of you who are left) into the fact that some things are just going on in my life - and while I still won't divulge all the intimate details of my "unsteady" life - I am now to a point where I can share a bit more.

Things with Ben and I are not good. So not good that we are not going to be living in the same house for awhile -or maybe ever.

I never thought 1.3 months into my marriage to a man that I've known for 16 years - I would be saying those words but here I am .

 There are so many facets to this story- I wish I could tell you - this is the reason *** tada! But I can't.

There are major trust issues, respect issues, financial responsibility issues, compatibility issues -issues abound.

Plus I can't get past the feeling that we got married because that was what was "next" for us.We had been together so long, we didn't want to not be together, we didn't know what else to do so we got married....maybe I'm blinded by all that is going on right now but I just can't shake that feeling.

I am sad. I am troubled. Yet at the same time...I'm relieved that all the issues are out on the table and that perhaps we are coming to a turning point in it all.

I know this is still not much information - but perhaps now you can see why I've been AWOL - a lot going on in my mind and in my life. I never disappear for too long - know that I'm still here - its just when I can't scream from the rooftops everything I want to say - I tend to go silent.

Say a prayer, send a wish, think of me. I think I'm in for a bumpy ride.

Wherever You Go, Go With All Your Heart and Weekend Update

I can't believe how infrequently I've posted in the past 6 months. Today, I decided that I would re-read some of my more recent blog posts and realized - there really aren't any! 

I've always been a blogger - I love to do it - but somewhere along the line my heart fell out of it. Not because I don't enjoy it anymore - mostly, I think because I don't feel like I have a story to tell anymore. 

Now that I'm married, and we're not planning for a baby, and we don't have a new house - it seems like nothing terribly exciting is going on for us anymore. Nothing "blog-worthy" anyhow.

 And sadly, part of the "sadness" that I was experiencing over the past month is related to that same idea.

Oh Shit. Now what?

I never got cold feet or had any doubts while Ben and I were engaged. Without a doubt I knew this was the man I was to marry. But now that we are married and more specifically just celebrated our 1 year anniversary in June - I've had those deer in the headlights moment where I ask myself,

 "Just how long is til' death do us part?" 

I know how this makes me sound but I'm willing to bet most women have found themselves in this moment at some point in their marriages. Especially women who dated a long time before engagement and then had a lengthier engagement as well. Ben and I had been together 6.5 years already when we got married. We have a strong, solid friendship and a deep love and respect for one another - but I'm not going to wax poetic and pretend that we are today, as hot and heavy as we once were. Ours is a marriage based on friendship - not passion - and I know that this type can be the strongest of them all but my heart is fearful of what its going to be like to never "fall in love again" and its made me feel very lonely. 

Maybe that's why I got a puppy...

Gratuitous Puppy Pic  

I love my husband though- don't get me wrong- he is my very best friend and I couldn't imagine life without him - 

So again I ask....now what? 

Now that we're married, and have good jobs, and aren't planning any major life changes (with the exception of a new place perhaps) what in the hell do we do to keep life interesting now?

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching on that one. So far I've come up with travel, fun-filled nights out with our other child-less friends (and friends who still go out even though they have children) Furthering education - did I tell you I've been accepted to a Group Fitness Certification program -yep I'm going to teach classes eventually - two years ago would you have thought I would be doing that?!?! Nope. Me neither! Auditioning for plays and musicals again, sleeping in, walking around naked on a whim, training a puppy, really...the sky is still the limit.

And It doesn't matter if I'm having "major life change moments" what ever it is that I choose to do - I've learned - that I will do it with all my heart and soul.       

I don't know how to do it - I learn to do it. I enjoy something -I make it a lifestyle - Zumba for example on that one. 

I approach my friendships this way, my job, being a new puppy mommy - whatever I do - I want to be the best I can be at it and I usually get pretty damn good. 

There is no going small in my world.

Go big or go home.  

BUT!!!!

 I'm getting to another point here, and it is:

My can-do, will-do attitude also gets in my way. It makes me overly critical of myself and highly sensitive to insults and doubts from other people.

 My short-comings haunt me.   

When I can't master something, when someone sees my house when its not at its best, when my hair falls flat and my mascara runs....when I don't get enough attention from my husband - that little nagging voice inside me tells me these things happen because I'M not good enough.

I am my own worst critic. B/C I've pumped my heart into it all.

The trick I believe is going to be to find a balance between the positive and negative aspects of this trait and learn how to work the entire thing to my advantage. 

Growing up is hard to do. 

On that note (a much lighter one) this weekend was all about growing up - or celebrating a dear friend as he grows up - our friend Will celebrated number 28 this past weekend.

A casino close to our area has a 70s, 80s, 90s themed dance club called Boogie Nights so we headed there for an evening of drinks and dancing!

Rocking the sparkly,blue , disco shadow and leopard print

Sam and I with the Birthday Boy on the dance floor

Me and Sam taking a dance break - don't know why I look like I have an attitude problem ) : 

Will and I dancing - this man can DANCE and he does- hence the visible sweat 

The night before Will's celebration Sam and I headed up north to visit my cousin at the bars he likes to go to... I only took a couple shots of the night..

Ready to go pick up Sam 

Me and my cousin Danny

Sunday was spent quietly. A nice breakfast out, grocery shopping and spending time close to home .

In all it was a good weekend.
Hope the rest of your were too.

Picture Pages

It really has been the oddest couple of weeks of my life..... as you can probably tell from my last, vague post I have been far from being myself.

BUT... before I go any further let me tell you all that while I would love to share my ENTIRE story with you - my bloggy friends and to seek your advice- I simply can not. Real life gets in the way of that- you just never know who may be reading your blog, who may be out there to judge you and what the consequences of their judgement may be. I know that this is very vague as well - but don't worry - I am OK. I am doing a lot of soul searching right now- seeking advice from those closest to me - and praying that I am led in the right direction. Sometimes we are faced with things that we never expected or asked for and its up to us to move forward and to take on the experiences. 

OH and before the real worrying sets in....

Yes. We are still together.
(Picture From A Night Out With Friends)

Ok. All that aside..during my weeks of ...whatever you want to call it.... I also celebrated a birthday.
Birthday #27 and while it may always be synonymous with some troublesome weeks in my heart - it was also a time in which I felt loved and celebrated by my friends and family.

My camera met its true death while kayaking a few weeks ago so please bare with the cell phone snap shots!

My birthday is August 8th so a week ago Friday (the 6th) my mom and sisters took me to dinner at Bonefish Grill after work.

Mom and I getting ready in her bathroom
(yes she's putting on makeup and I'm having a cocktail ... did I mention I may also have been drinking too much these past few weeks? When in Rome I say)

Emotionally, I was in an odd place that night but they did the very best they could to cheer me up.

Pink Gerber Daisies and a Brownie Sundae 

Posing with my flowers



I got my first two pieces in my new "Vera" pattern- the agenda and the lunch date (not pictured)
Ben also added the bowler (also not pictured).

I ended the night by going to the bar where my friend Sam djs and spending my time talking to locals and drinking chardonnay.

The next day was just what the Dr. ordered. I had a massage at 10:00 and a hair appt. at noon, then I shopped with my mom before coming home to get ready for my birthday dinner with friends.

Ignore the smug, mentally challenged face I am making in this picture ( not to mention my un-made bed)



I'm pretty happy to report that on that Friday I came in at my lowest weight ever- having lost almost 4 lbs in one week - mostly becuase I had no appetite but if you're going to be sad- you might as well reap some rewards amirite?

Ben and my friend Sam- who I mentioned briefly above took me to a mexican restaurant for dinner where I was humiliated with whipped cream by the wait staff- but it was all in good fun so I didn't really mind.

This is a pic of Sam and I from back in July

She's a girl I've known since high school but never really got to "know" we've gotten pretty close in the past couple of months and I'm really enjoying having her around.

She actually made me a birthday cake and brought it to dinner....

I thought it was pretty awesome of her and the cake was delicious! She also took me to breakfast ON my birthday and brought me balloons - for a new friend she really took a lot of effort to make me feel special and I really needed it so it was much appreciated!

Will, Emily, and her boyfriend Stephen met us and then we went to a bar that we frequent where we were met with a couple more friends and Sam's husband Mike.



 I sported the birthday bitch ribbon proudly



 Ben and I at the bar

 It was a fun night followed by a good next couple of days off

My mother in law bought me a cute apron - among other things...

And then Monday on my ACTUAL birthday I gifted myself the best thing ever......

Meet Olive.

 And please ignore the way I look at 11 PM in this picture.

Olive is a baby pug who is so sweet and smart and loving - just what the Dr. ordered for me right now

 I am in love. Adjusting to life with puppy has been a challenge but I'm loving it!

Life is just a challenge in general right now - but maybe eventually I'll look back and say I loved it all too...

I really am fine friends -

but some times I'm more fine than others.

If I can ever share more- I swear I will - but for now I'm eager to read your latest posts and see what's happening in your worlds!

Much Love Always!



Confessions of a Former Fat Girl

I didn't know I was starting a journey.

One day I was stepping on the scale at my Dr's office, trying to avoid the number - asking the nurse not to tell me - but still peeking over her shoulder to see the number on my chart. The next I was buying a hot pink sports bra and a copy of The 30 Day Shred. A couple months later - "without really trying" I was on the scale again - down 17 lbs from my Dr. appointment. Something  sparked in me and ignited. This feeling of success was addictive and I wanted more- it was like they say, "nothing tastes as good as thin feels" and they were right.

Although too much food has never really been my problem. The lust for decadence has. I never felt there was any reason to limit myself - you do only get one life after all - mine should be filled with rich delicious foods, chocolate, wine - so yes, while that is an overindulgence of sorts, I was never the type of girl who ate and ate and ate - I just wanted what I wanted when I wanted it - so I had it - If I had pizza one night I didn't look at that as an indulgent treat for the week and modify elsewhere - I went ahead and had Red Lobster the next night and McDonald's for breakfast the following morning. I had/have a taste for the good life.Today after my weight loss  success that appetite manifests its self in other areas of my life - it has to - otherwise I feel that I might just explode and fizzle into Amber confetti all over the carpet-. but there's more to that story to come.

So there I was 17 lbs lighter and all fired up to keep right on trucking. 6 months later I was 50 lbs lighter and still losing. I was wearing a size 8 pants - down from a 14 - It was a proud moment as I dropped out of double digits and I can not lie its thrilling even today when I comfortably button and zip into my newest pair of Capri pants that proudly boast the smallest size I've ever worn in my ENTIRE life; a size 4.

What I didn't realize though was that with the weight loss would come a totally different set of challenges.

I'm never, never, satisfied. Losing the weight has allowed me to be seen the way I always saw myself - but what it didn't do was teach me how to handle what comes with that. The desire for attention, the desire to be viewed as beautiful and perfect - even worse -the desire to be desired - and I have not been at a loss for that - a challenge, no a demon that I struggle with on a regular basis.
The former fat girl in me - loves the attention. The former fat girl is no longer happy with being slimmer - the former fat girl wants perfection, the former fat girl wants EVERYTHING.

But Amber Lane wants to find peace and balance.

Amber Lane wants to snuggle in bed at night with her husband and know that no one else's opinions of her matter besides his and hers. Amber Lane wants to be healthy and fit and completely happy with who she is -even if that means her stomach isn't flat, she drank too many diet cokes today, and she's up a lb tonight from this morning. Amber Lane doesn't want to be obsessive.

 What I'm about to find out it seems is what happens when The Former Fat Girl and Amber Lane collide.

Heavy post coming out of what "appears" to be nowhere - this is what my life is right now.

Stay tuned.

The Start of Something Good

Well after I went on and on about the gorgeous, sunny weather on my last post, mother nature has decided to rub my nose in it and the sky is gray and murky - splashing rain drops down from time to time - thus ruining a perfectly free Saturday that I had set aside for pool lounging. Sigh.

Guess the dreary weather will act as the motivator I need to organize this house and US for our trip to Virginia Beach - we leave 1 week from tomorrow!

We are looooong over due for a trip alone together. We have NEVER been on one in the entire 7.4 years we've been together!  We've had a weekend trip here or there with friends but that's it - we never even had a honeymoon thanks to Ben's new job (I'm not complaining believe me!) so we are really looking forward to getting away together to celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary- which is 1 week from today!

In honor of our anniversary week I thought I would share some of our story through photos with you this week.

Friendship: 1997 - Well...for always

Really hard to see I know: Ben is on the far right in the 2nd row..I'm the head to the left of him with the bangs- this was at a party our freshman year in high school 

Sophomore year homecoming - Ben in the couple on the left and me with my then boyfriend in the middle

Band camp our junior year in highschool - Megan, Ben, and Me 

Another tricky one to see - Junior Year Homecoming I'm on the left in the front- Ben is the second on the left - both there with different dates than the year before ( : 

Dating: Feb 2004 -Feb 2009
(AKA Look How Chunky I Was...j/k...still good memories)

The first month or so of us officially dating

New Years Eve Ringing in 2004

Ren. Fest

Our 4 year dating anniversary 

Ringing in 2009 

Out and about with friends

My college graduation party 2007

One of our many Halloween get-ups 

We're on a Boat!

Waking Up to a scruffy face! 

The picture that inspired our engagement pictures

And there are so many more  that I could show you but there's only so much time in the day!

We dated for 5 years before getting engaged - something I was convinced would NEVER happen but it finally did....

And I w as going to post those pictures today too but blogger is not cooperating so I'll have to save them for another day!

Stay tuned! For now I'm off to attempt productivity - happy weekend!

Much Love Always,

Mrs. Amber Lane 

Hiya!

Its amazing how quickly time flies when you are not blogging. We're closing in on 2 months of me not posting- but it sure doesn't feel like it! Time flies! Especially now that the weather is toasty and perfect and I literally itch to be outside! 

It wasn't like that the first month of my non-blogging - it was a weather nightmare - rain and tornado warnings almost every night! We are so very lucky to have not been touched by a tornado but May was a very volatile weather month here in southern Ohio! Then it got very hot for awhile - almost with no warning the temperature sky-rocketed into the 90s ! I love the heat but even I was unprepared for the quickness that it sprang up. 

Now as I mentioned - its perfect. I <3 summer so much. I love the pool, I love the beach, tan skin, bare legs, the smell of Hawaiian Tropic , iced tea - summertime is really my season. 

So what have I been up to as we jump into summer?

Glad you asked!

For starters....
I got bangs..... 

I think its a fun look for summer - don't know how long I'll keep it but for now I'm enjoying. 

We said goodbye to our sweet,fluffy,kitty BG who went missing for a week before our neighbors found that he had perished beneath their back porch....

That was most definitely not a good day in the Smith household. Ben is the one who had to retrieve him. Although we more than likely will never know what happened to him- Ben said it looked like he had gotten into a bad fight - maybe with a raccoon or something. I wish he had come home instead of crawling under a porch- but what is done is done. We buried him in Ben's parent's back yard so that we won't have to leave him behind when we finally buy a house. 

I went camping over memorial day weekend
(No pics of that- trust me you don't want to see them)

Celebrated my Mom on Mother's Day....

(I stole her face huh?) 

Ben and I went to a wedding....

I worked between weekends off ( lol that's seriously how I feel right now- work is just something I do between pool lounging sessions and nights out... is that sad? Sorry its my summer brain talking)

I read a couple books...

actually really like the Carrie Diary novels even though I've otherwise HATED Candace Bushnell's writing 

still reading this- a friend left this behind for me - I've never read Jackie Collins - its entertaining - a great pool read.

Spent some time with this doll baby....

hard to believe baby Shelby is already almost 3 months old!

Continued to work on getting to goal..

This is @ my mom's before a Zumba for the cure event. I have not taken off anymore weight but I notice that my body is continuing to change. I'm still in the 140-143 range and still trying to get to 135 but I'm pretty happy with myself. I Zumba twice a week and try to mix in some miles at the park a few times a week too.

I continue to be crazy amazed with the way my upper chest, shoulders, and neck have changed just in the past month or so - even with no additional lbs. lost...

Don't mind my crazy hair or odd expression this pic was literally 30 seconds ago - I slipped off my cardigan to snap a photo in my office.

Other than those things, I haven't been up to a whole lot that's terribly exciting. I think that's why I put writing off for so long. I wanted the perfect topic to come along, the perfect event to re-emerge to. That hasn't happened but here I am none-the-less. Writing is a part of who I am - it always has been whether its in a tiny pink diary with ballet slippers on the front (what my first diary ever looked like when I was 9) or sitting at my computer at work during my lunch break (guilty). So I guess you could say I'm back. I don't promise to be here everyday but I do vow to continue telling my story in the imperfect way that I do. 

So going forward what are the plans for me?

Celebrate a year of this...

With 10 days off and...

5 days here...

June 25th is our 1 year anniversary- hard to believe! This year flew! 

Lol. Well lunch is over by now. Have to run! Hope the start of your summers have been lovely. Looking forward to "catching up" with all of you soon!

Much Love Always!

Mrs. Amber Lane

Dear Blogger

Maybe we should break up.

I lost a follower today - or sometime recently - I don't log- on everyday anymore. It seems I used to have lots to write about- but anymore it seems life is life- I'm living it- its good mostly - and nothing is THAT exciting. Not only that but I used to LOVE to log on and see everyone's wedding.baby, home decor posts and anymore its getting exhausting trying to keep up. But its not you...its me..

On top of all that- I get a little irritated that I can write about frivolous BS and everyone wants to comment on it but when I write serious posts- there are literally crickets and cob webs.

Maybe we aren't breaking up but lets at least call it like it is....

We're on a break blogger - its best for both of us.

So for now....